Friday, February 22, 2013

"Please Cut NASA So I Can Vaporize Your Planet"

Guys, could we get on with this, already? I'm bored. I'm lonely. I haven't seen my family in a century. It's horrible. Our kid is at that age where you can miss something any year.

My job is - well it's hard to explain, but I'm kind of like a consultant. Don't worry about where. It's not even in this galaxy. Anyway, I'm stuck out here monitoring the only inhabited planet for light years around. And as soon as I can complete this report about why you're not going to survive as a species I can file it, punch this thingie on the screen that'll wipe out your solar system... and I'll be back home before Life Day.

You just need to get on with that sequester. It'll massively cut funding for NASA, and we've already done the calculations, but we're certain you'll spend the next hundred years using your technology to create porn, weapons and films with talking animals. Then you'll all kill each other.

Of course, not too long ago you almost made a real change. You put people on your moon, and you were mapping out your location in space and time. It was a really exciting couple of decades. We had to halt the whole project, and there was a ton of paperwork, but I gotta admit, I was kind of rooting for you, even though it made problems for me personally. Not anymore, though. Your wealthiest nation - the place that was created by the Enlightenment and ended up leading the way to explore the universe... It's decided to chuck it, because you can't solve your stupid political squabbles and you don't want to give up any attack jets.

You know how stupid you look to the rest of us out here? Let me give you an idea: It's like when you folks find an ancient settlement and dig up a trepanned skull. You're ignorant, violent, superstitious, hypocritical jackasses, and what used to be the freest country on your world is using all its efforts to hunt people down, kill them, and then make movies about it. Many of you have decided you don't even believe in science.

It's actually worse than if you were still punching holes in each other's heads to let the demons out. It's like you advanced past that stage, and then decided to go back. Ugh. I can not wait to turn you people into plasma. I work for an energy company. Basically, we're going to convert your whole civilization into something like two barrels of light sweet crude. Believe me, you'll do much more good this way.

Anyway, NASA was the last, best hope that you guys might get it together as a species and end up turning into a halfway decent bunch. You might have created a couple of space elevators, spread out some colonies. The need for cooperation and the gut-level realization of how small you are in the cosmos would have done you some good. You would have grown. Your journey as a people would have become strange and beautiful. That will never happen. So, as a last gesture, you could still do the decent thing and make the cuts soon. Then I can destroy this stupid planet and head back to someplace that doesn't have a Tea Party.

And yes, Life Day's a thing.

NOTE: If you'd rather not have us all wiped out, please go to and find out how you can help continue our, let's face it, somewhat pathetic progress toward becoming an intelligent species. Or at least make it a sad day when we do get annihilated, instead of leaving people feeling like we just cleaned the fridge.

This piece is dedicated to Neil deGrasse Tyson, Carl Sagan, and my friend DMH.

1 comment:

  1. That meteorite in Russia was just a ranging shot in preparation for what artillerists call "fire for effect."

    And the big one that shot by us 17,000 miles away has an alien somewhere saying "Shit! Shit! What am I going to tell my supervisor? That was supposed to be a gimme."

    Maybe it's that same sad sack who got fed up with anal probes.


Related Posts with Thumbnails