Wednesday, February 27, 2013

"Wanna See Me Eat Some Paste?" By Sen. Ted Cruz

I'm a paste eater. Been that way since I was a child. As the new kid in Kindergarten back at Oswald Elementary in eastern Texas, it was hard to make friends. People didn't seem to know I was even in the room. And then one day, I grabbed a spoon and tucked into a tub of Elmer's Kraft-Pal No. 23. Folks gathered round. Girls took notice. And I'm never going back, friends.

Look at me. Isn't it obvious?

So I just want to make it clear that, if it comes down to it - if I need to get your attention - I will eat some paste to do so. Right now I'm getting great coverage for saying Chuck Hagel might work for the North Koreans and that people in Harvard are Communists who want to overthrow the government. The liberals are freaking out and calling me Joe McCarthy.

See? I know what I'm doing.

It's a good time for people like me. The Tea Party and the extreme right have been smacked down at the polls, and the GOP is scrambling to reinvent itself and still get our votes. But my supporters don't care about that. They don't want a guy who's actually going to write laws or run the government. Bachmann, Santorum, Palin, Cain. When are you going to understand that policy is not the point with us? My people want spectacle. We know the world is changing around us, and we understand we can't really stop it. So what we are going to do is turn the institution of government into a bizarre carnival sideshow.

Sure, there will probably be a point when this stops working. But you know what? On that day, 'ol Ted will just open up his desk, pull out a carton of Funberry Red Sticky Time, and chow down right there on the Senate floor. Live coverage will hit every channel, and I will stay relevant. You don't eat paste for as long as I have without learning how to grab a spotlight.

Face it. You're stuck with me.

(Photo by Ted Cruz for Senate. Used under Creative Commons license. Information here.)

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