Friday, March 1, 2013
Evidently Bob Woodward's Been Sending Me His Lunch Money
I forgot and accidentally bought this. Please please don't kill me.
Anyway, last night someone from Politico called me to ask me about it. They said the money was from Woodward.
"Why have you been extorting the lunch money from our nation's most famous investigative journalist?" the reporter demanded. I thought it was my buddy Dave pranking me at first. It took awhile to realize the guy on the other end was serious. And then I had more questions than answers.
"I never met Bob Woodward," I said. "Why is he giving me his money?"
"He's terrified of you. He claims you stalked him and threatened his life."
"That's just not true. Check your sources. I don't even know what you're talking about."
He hung up and then called back 10 minutes later.
"Would it be fair to say that Bob Woodward enrages you?"
"No, it wouldn't."
He hung up again. It was an hour before he called back this time. I should have never picked up.
"Do you remember a party in DC in 2006?"
"You were discussing State of Denial. You said it was extremely overrated."
It was beginning to come to me. But still, he got the story wrong.
"No, no. Dave said it was good. And then someone else said it was overrated, I think. But I hadn't read it yet. I just shrugged."
"You shrugged," he said ominously. "In what way?"
"I don't know."
"Aggressively? I mean, someone mentions a major work by a guy like Bob Woodward, and you... you just shrug?"
"I had to get to the line for the bathroom."
"You've got to see how that was extremely disrespectful, at least. You have to at least admit that."
"No I don't."
"He took down Nixon! You just shrug? You could see how he'd assume the worst, couldn't you?"
"I'm going to go."
"One question," he said. "Who'd you vote for last election?"
I blurted it out as I got off the phone. Which was dumb, I know.
Democratic Operative Shrugs Off Woodward Death Threat - That's the headline that made the banner over at Fox. Drudge got an exclusive with someone at the party who claimed that I left in "the general direction" of Woodward's home. I didn't know where his home was, and I think I was going to the Metro. So I couldn't deny it, really. So then the Washington Times posted an article to say I didn't deny I'd been walking around near Bob Woodward's private residence after a night of drinking.
The envelopes kept coming though. Yesterday one had another note in it.
"I'm sorry our arrangement went public," it read. "It wasn't my fault. An assistant told someone. Don't do anything violent, okay?
"Also, do you know any high-level people who'd like to talk about secrets and stuff? Just asking. It's kind of a thing with me."
It was at this time that Spelsen himself began to conceive of a new project, and he realized Kelley was right for it...
“What I required was simple and impossible,” he told me. “A book for children. A book to explain the darkest truths of the Holy Bible.”
Kelley came here to complete it, and vanished.
The Black Book of Children's Bible Stories is about faith, love and the haunted house you're living in right now. If you'd like updates about it please email me: firstname.lastname@example.org
Photo by Jim Wallace (Smithsonian Institution). Used under Creative Commons license. Information here.