Monday, March 18, 2013

Nobody Mentions The Maulings Of Narnia

Yes, maulings. There I said it. I guess I'm going to be the one to talk about this. Someone has to. People in Narnia are getting killed or seriously wounded almost every day, and no one wants to tell you the reason, but we all know what it is, don't we? It's because we're being led by a 500 lb. adult male lion. And that, friends, is pretty stupid.

Is he good-looking? Yep. Is he smart? Sure, for a lion, he's pretty bright. Did he help us defeat the witch? Of course, because if you get a lion pissed off enough it'll go after anything.

But face it: He sleeps all day, and when he wakes up he might grunt or roar, and everybody exclaims "Oh wait, the lion's talking!" or "The lion just spoke to me!" or some kind of nonsense like that. But we're all just throwing buckets of hamburger at it, so it'll get full and pass out again. And then every once in awhile, it gets bored and takes down one of us like an antelope, and people start saying stuff about "the inscrutable will of the lion" or the "problem of lion bites." But we're ignoring the obvious, here. We're getting clawed up, because someone somewhere decided it would be a good idea to have a wild lion around and try to talk to it.

Okay, the Pevensie kids. Yes, I'm glad you mentioned them. I'm really happy you brought it up. Because - and I'm sorry if this is rude - I'd like to point out that no one has seen any of the Pevensie kids for a long, long time. You think that's a little odd? We've found bits of their clothes, sure. Maybe a couple of hair clumps that look like they came from the little one. But no actual live children. Not after that first night that they all decided to go make pals with our goddamn lion. Now, maybe they went back into some kind of other dimension. Maybe not. But the lion was pretty sluggish for about a week, okay? Can we all agree on that?

Enough - I don't want to argue anymore. All I'm saying is don't believe everything you read.

It's waking up. Let's get to work, so we don't end up like that fifth Pevensie kid no one speaks of.

Josh, right? Man, that was just awful.


  1. And let's not EVEN ask where the former Head of State - regardless of whether or not you believe the propaganda about the whole "White Witch" thing - disappeared to. And, no, I don't consider myself an "Aslan Truther". Why?

  2. That Aslan, Jesus.......wait a sec...


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