Friday, April 5, 2013

"I Will Unleash A Wave Of Rick Perry" By Kim Jong-un

Imperialist Dogs:

You've witnessed only a taste of what is to come. Our threat to attack Austin, Texas resulted in a paroxysm of confusion and dismay as Rick Perry dominated your news cycle as planned. The spectacle of this ridiculous man jabbering nonsense about foreign policy surely chilled your spirit and made you doubt your strength.

Know this: Unless our demands are met, more Rick Perry will follow. We can issue spurious threats against Texan cities and inflict wave after wave of Rick Perry on you at will. He will appear on your major cable networks and on your Sunday talk shows. His awkward, idiot laughter and almost content-free posturing will fill your waking thoughts and haunt your dreams. If we wish, we will make Rick Perry relevant again. And if you do not cease your aggression, he will resurrect his presidential ambitions.

This is just the beginning. The glorious and unwavering people of the DPRK will systematically make ridiculous noises about launching attacks against the home districts of your most obnoxious and ignorant politicians. You will see your Congress grind to a halt so that Michele Bachmann can engage in a two-hour carnival of factual errors, conspiracy theories, and white lady crazy-eye. You will witness Sarah Palin's return to power. And then your celebrities will get involved. Do you really want to see the press conference that follows a tossed-off assassination threat against Taylor Swift? Or Lindsay Lohan? Do you want to finally hear the horrifying things I told Dennis Rodman, when he writes a policy paper in Foreign Affairs?

The US lacks the ability to separate real threats from fake threats. American politicians and news people are incapable of keeping any kind of danger, no matter how small, in its proper perspective. Yours is a people addicted to crisis and hysteria. We know this, because everyone knows this. And until you change, we will weaponize your ridiculous public figures and turn them against you.

How bad can this get? I will bring Tucker Carlson back from the dead, and I will put him on every screen in America.

You have been warned.

3 comments:

  1. Carlson? Tucker CARLSON!?!

    You. Evil. FIEND!

    With god as my witness, I will never eat kinchee again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tucker. The name strikes fear in the stoutest heart.

      Delete
  2. Thus spake Kim Jong Unhinged...

    ReplyDelete

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