Tuesday, April 2, 2013

"Vote Sanford, South Carolina," By The People Of Other Awful States

Hey. It's Florida, Jersey, and a couple of the other guys. We're calling in a favor. We need you to elect Mark Sanford and give him a wide margin. We want a breather. No more bad press for awhile. We're tired of being known as the bad parts of the country. It's your turn, okay?

Florida is sick of everyone talking about how people are eating each other's faces off and voting Rubio. Texas wants to tone down the coverage about how you can bring a gun into a delivery room. And New Jersey just wants no one to mention it in any way. You guys are as terrible as we are. It's time people appreciated that. Vote Sanford. It's the right thing to do.

If you elect Mark Sanford, it will confirm every stereotype of asinine, hypocritical social conservatives who don't even know the Bible they like to beat other people up with. He's an embarrassment. Just the kind of embarrassment we need now. Especially Georgia: They recently kicked off Confederate Heritage and History Month, and there is no way that's not going to look ugly. Please. Help us out.

For the people who spent last week hyperventilating about gay marriage to turn around and vote for a guy who broke every commandment Jesus gave about sexual morality would be hilarious and pathetic. And it's something that should happen in the Palmetto State, because Mississippi had that whole thing about not ending slavery until last month, and they can't take much more, okay?

We all have our rednecks lopping their limbs off in powerboat accidents and going to CPAC. But you guys started the Civil War, for chrissakes. Seriously. Why the hell does no one ever call you on that? You owe us.

Idaho is tired of being known as the place where you build a compound, so you can have a war on the government. People ought to be talking about you. And with Mark Sanford in Congress representing you, they will be. Which means they'll give the rest of us a break.

Pick up that slack, South Carolina. The ignorant, heavily-armed people of this great land are counting on you. Be the jackasses we know you can be.

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