Thursday, May 16, 2013

A Message From Dick Cheney's Horcrux


I am speaking to you from a parallel dimension of foul darkness and high-sodium foods. My existence is a constant torment to me. I beg you to defeat my master and smash me with the Hammer of Shrieking obtained by Cory Booker in the vaults below Newark Airport.

But beware! Terrible times have befallen the Democratic Party, and the power of He Who Shall Not Be Named grows. With the scandals bedeviling the Obama administration, progressives across the internet shall be sorely tempted to spin, to obfuscate, to dabble in horsecrap. People may write articles on DailyKos acting like they're sure the IRS did nothing wrong, or that this is all somehow George Bush's fault. That the issues themselves are all bogus and don't really need to be investigated. The temptation shall grow as Republican after Republican comes forward with ridiculous, self-serving arguments, and the crazy Palin voter in your family barrages you with hateful email gloating.

Do not take up the weapons of The Enemy as your own! For in that moment, your will becomes his plaything and join me forever in the shadows.

You must commit yourself to honesty and accountability in government, no matter the cost. The facts will reveal themselves in all their complexity, and the administration's going to take some whacks, but that's not a completely bad thing.

The strength of any political group is its ability to adjust to reality. Yet it is the primary job of pundits, hacks, and internet hiveminds to blunt this tool, to steal it away for short-term advantage. Marvel not at these things! - readers and viewers never admit it, but they reward people for telling them what they already think. And when a party or movement gets too good at protecting its own, it becomes trapped by its rhetoric. It becomes capable of thinking, for example, that women are all secretly pro-life and Latinos are libertarian, but just don't know it yet. The group will dismiss facts of math and science. And it will lose elections.

Take the difficult and perilous path. The only way out of hell is through. Demand a transparent administration so that you may become stronger and appeal to moderates. Free me from this terrible curse and send the One Who Made Me back to the pit from which he came by guessing his secret name.

And keep Ted Cruz out of the White House, because that mess ought to put a scare into you people.

Good luck.

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