Friday, June 7, 2013

"I Just Want To See If You Have Any Self-Respect Left" By Barack Obama

My fellow Americans:

Like many of you I was shocked and saddened to read the newspaper and learn about the intrusive surveillance on millions of... Ha! Just kidding there.

Anyway, I didn't intend to get like this. Honest I didn't. It's just at some point in in my first term I kinda realized you folks weren't really putting any pressure on me to dismantle the hideous security state we had. It was weird. I mean, we got flack from a few Kucinich types and the sort of people who sell gold on the internet. But who gives a fuck, right?

Then one day a really awful thought occurred to me: I wonder how far we could take this? Sure, the guys who think I'm a Kenyan would oppose me. But at what point would middle America get mad? How close could we get to a third Bush term before your average Democrat grew a pair?

At first it was just the drones. We intensified the program, blew up a couple civilians... nothing big. And then we changed the rules so we could kill someone without even knowing who they were. Jesus, I thought everyone would stop that. Hillary and I were giggling about it in the Oval. I mean, it was insane. But you guys just... just let us keep going.

What the hell were you people thinking?

It became like a little game: Holder and Brennan were making noises like maybe we'll target people in the US. It's a global war, we said. We can go anywhere and do anything, and you just have to trust us. I mean, they did it during the last administration, but didn't everyone want something different? Wasn't I the guy who ran on a promise of changing all that? Then the atrocities started trickling in, and soon we just leaked the AP story ourselves.

Yes, we leaked that. And the reason is that this game is turning kind of weird. I mean, I get a nasty thrill humiliating all of you - God help me, I do. But I'm also beginning to feel desperate. Part of me wants to see how truly horribly we can act, but another part wants people in the country to stop me somehow. I want to see if there are enough people willing to show the kind of spine you expect of grownup citizens in a free republic. Ugh, it's just like when I get careless, because I want Michelle to catch me smoking.

This is the point where it's now impossible to deny that my government is spying on all your phone and email traffic. The people who dismiss this by saying Bush did it, or that it's necessary, or by using any other excuse are hacks and cowards. Everyone now knows - if they didn't already - that we are maintaining an empire abroad by destroying freedoms at home. No one can pretend they don't see the connection. This isn't Alex Jones bullcrap - this is real.

What will it take? Will you let me attack Syria? How about Iran? How about more CIA kidnappings? What if I just assign everyone a government minder - will you squawk then?

It'll be interesting to see how this plays out. Honestly, I'd like Americans to show some courage. I mean, when a British newspaper is out there defending our freedoms it ought to make us ashamed. Britain! George III! We fought a war against those guys for our rights, and now here they are coming to our rescue. If that doesn't make you disgusted with yourself, I don't know what to do.

Screw it. I don't care. Even Cheney got a book deal when his time was up.

We're going to bomb Scranton. You bastards will probably still give me another Nobel.


  1. I would be laughing more if this wasn't basically true.

  2. This is primo satire. Ummn, it is satire, isn't it?

    1. 1) Thank you. 2) I can't tell anymore.

  3. Seriously, though, I have mixed thoughts about this issue although I listened to what Edward Snowden said on the CNN interview and sort of agree with him about the real prospect of governmental tyranny. But you have to trust the ‘powers that be’-- that they know more about what the real threats are and what needs to happen to protect us at home. We are living in a different world now. Anything can happen -- even a terrorist nuclear attack on our soil, perhaps. I just don’t think it’s as simplistic as we think it is. I think the threats are very real and tenuous. We are under, not only threat, but of attack every day. God bless America and our leaders.

    1. I think that's definitely part of the argument, and it must be addressed. We have real enemies. My point is that we still need public oversight, and we still need to be jealous of our rights... Why?

      1) Because our government is a lot less effective than they say they are.
      2) Because our government can make the situation worse, rather than better. Especially with a policy of intervention all over the world, which multiples the number of threats against us.
      3) Because many of the people within our government have proven that the safety of American citizens is NOT their top concern.
      4) Because the end result of all this will be to create a country which is no longer free.

  4. I remember when I laughed at Ron Paul in the 2008 debates - he seemed so out of step with the rest of the crowd. Four years later, I began to see the crowd had some serious framing problems. Attack Iran, intensify drone war, etc. etc. A year later, I see most of the DC power establishment is complicit in this de-commissioning of the constitution on which the whistle is now being blown by insiders and the career media. I only hope that a non-demagogue or two can lead the rout this cancer before it kills the republic. Your choice of republic vs. empire is exactly the framing I have synthesized from listening to Alex Jones (don't hate me Paul - it's chock full o content). I couldn't agree more - and I chose republic (just for the record). As always, great writing Paul.

    1. Thanks a lot. Tell you what: Tell me something AJ is writing about, where he seems particularly on point and lucid and not as crazy as I think he is.

      I will read without prejudice. Promise.


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