Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Intelligence Chief James Clapper Answers A Craigslist Missed Connection

Dear Jordan, the financial lawyer who met the redhead reading House of Leaves on the C near Washington Square:

You need to let it go. The data behind this judgment is pretty solid. Let me walk you through it.

Look, the number "Julie" gave you last Tuesday at approximately 8:30 am EST was off by one digit. By itself this would not be conclusive. It happens, right? But then, later in the day, you got a hunch and called several permutations of the number. That was smart, Jordan. Very smart. You reached a few disconnected lines, a gas station, a hospital, and the voicemail of a "Steve" (He's a nice guy, actually. The kind who seems like a bro at first, but he's really not. And you have some interests in common! But let's return...) Anyway, that last number you called was in fact Julie's. Your feeling that her machine's message sounded familiar was confirmed by the best voice matching technology in the world. But here's the problem: She was home, man.

I know Julie said she was busy lately. And I know you thought she might have been in the bathroom or sleeping or something. But our photographic analysis of the building's architectural footprint combined with thermal and acoustic imaging indicates conclusively that when you called Julie was next to the phone listening to your message. She was reclining on the couch watching a Discovery Channel show about exotic pets which attack their owners, and she deleted you within three seconds of your hang-up. Also, she'd seen this episode before. Ouch.

Don't take it personally, Jordan. I know you've been on three first dates within the past month with no follow-through - obviously that can really damage a guy's confidence. But you'll find someone. Steve has a great sister, and she's also into rafting. Did you know that?

The fact is Julie was not being completely honest, when she said she'd "just gotten out of a complicated thing." Her phone and text traffic over the last three weeks indicates a clear pattern - We have a precise profiling algorithm on this, and it matches with someone who is trying to leave a long-term relationship with a man who plays hot and cold and has a flirtation with a coworker that might transform into something more at any moment. These things follow a clear-cut almost inevitable path. In desperation Julie will relocate to be with him, and she may even propose marriage. Their relationship will last 3 to 5 years, and the possibility of serial infidelity is higher than 72%. So, believe me when I say this: It's not you, Jordan.

Julie needs someone else, someone more stable. Your last two performance reviews indicate you're on the way to a promotion. But you're not there yet. Julie would probably benefit from someone at the peak of their career - someone with a highly structured life. Maybe even a military background. And it wouldn't be a problem if this person were older. It might even be a plus. She needs someone to get her away from Chad, that's for sure. The guy is poison.

Julie needs to know all this. It's vital to her well-being. She seems to have vanished from her home, work, and most frequently visited social venues, but she will surface soon. Obviously the fact that she's thrown away her cell is a setback. But not the worst I've encountered. After thorough questioning her mother indicated she had contacts in the Chicago area. The crowds would complicate efforts at spotting her using facial recognition. But no one stays invisible forever.

She's sharper than I thought. And she's very strong-willed. I get a real kick out of this! She's obviously fighting any effort to steer her from this self-destructive course. But Julie's happiness will be secured. And that douche Chad won't be anyone's problem ever again.

Protecting people is what I do. Even when they resist. Even when they don't want my aid. I'm the best.

I guess that's my real message to you, Jordan. And to everyone in this country:

I'm here to help.


  1. This is funny as hell!

  2. Every time you make me laugh aloud, but this particular piece was the best use of your comedic talent to correspond to a current event. F'ing amazing. Keep up the good work!

    1. Thanks a whole bunch. I was really excited about this myself.

  3. Pure brilliance, this one. Take ten bucks out of petty cash.

  4. Into the bleachers! (Did you feel like you were on rails when you wrote this one? Did it feel like it wrote itself?)

    You're back in the groove.

    1. It did, it did. Best drug there is. Thanks!


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