Monday, July 1, 2013

A Message From The Terrified People Sitting Next To Pat Robertson

Hi. We're the folks sitting next to Pat Robertson. We'd like to make something clear to you: We're not bad people, okay? We don't agree with whatever crazy thing just came out of Pat's pie-hole. Most of the time, we are just as horrified as the rest of you. But the goddamn cameras are on us, and we need to keep this job.

Yes, we should say something. Yes, we should tell him he's a lunatic. Maybe even get up, take off our mikes, and storm out of there. But then what? Where would we go? What would we do? How would we keep our kids in school and the bank from taking our homes? Plus - and we are serious here - Pat would bide his time, and then someday he would take us down, Corleone-style. The guy's like Blackwater and the Church of Scientology had a baby and raised it in a racist tent revival. He's every villain from every 1980's action movie you've ever seen. You have no idea what he's capable of.

You know what a Communications degree from Regent University gets you? Fifty thousand dollars of debt and the ability to do TV work anywhere in Virginia Beach, VA. Which means you're fucked. This place is the media equivalent of one of those company mining towns where they pay you in scrip. When Pat sits down next to us and starts babbling about the demons... trust us, that is the least humiliating part of our day. But we're powerless. Pat owns us. He owns our souls.

There's a reason most of us are secret atheists. We know there's no hell after we die. Because we're still alive... and we're already here.


  1. Jesus was a republican.

    1. Hmmm, obviously you make that remark with years of research in your noggin.
      There is no evidence that Jesus was a small government enthusiast. There is no evidence that Jesus advanced a theory to deprive the poor. There is no evidence that Jesus was a misogynist. There is no evidence that Jesus and his followers were a profit driven movement. Should I go on or we next review how your bold statement is hidden by your anonymous moniker?

    2. There is, however, evidence that Jesus did not object to taxation: "Render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and unto God the things that are God's." He said this in response to the person who asked if Jews were allowed to pay taxes to Rome.

    3. I find it interesting that Jesus belonged to a political party for a country that did not exist during his time on Earth, covering a part of the world that the local politicians didn't even know about. One would think he'd care more about Judean and Roman politics of the first century AD than American politics of the end of the second millenium and beginning of the third.

      If he did, which era of Republican is he? There's rather a large difference between Abraham Lincoln and Rick Perry. (And even a difference between Olympia Snowe and Perry.) For most of us mortals, we tend to be concerned with the here and now, but I assume someone who is divine can take a larger picture. If Jesus's political views match the Republican Party of 2100 (where some of the political stances are probably along the lines of 'why are you arguing about that' to us and vice versa*), that is not terribly helpful, since I don't even know what those people believe.

      Or else you mean lowercase-r republican, as in he supported republics over monarchies... which seems to contrast with all the Kingdom of God/Heaven stuff. One would think he'd be in favor of establishing a Republic of Heaven if he was a big republican.

      * Estimate based on history. I know there's a lot of past political fights I want to yell that, and I'm sure some of my political views would be considered unimaginable to a Teddy Roosevelt-era politician.

    4. No he wasn't. The Republican Party didn't exist until 1860.

    5. ZOMG! Do none of you people understand sarcasm? Wow!

    6. Artor. Apparently not. Not at all.

  2. Yeah, cause repugnicans always advocate feeding the poor and housing the homeless. Their primary goal has always been to take care of the least of these as jesus instructed his FOLLOWERS to do.

    Jesus was as much a republican as George W Bush was a mensa caliber philosopher. ...

  3. Jon Stewart said it best in regard to pretty much *anything* that Pat Robertson has ever said, is currently saying, or will ever say in the future: "Shut yer pie-hole, Old Man!!!"


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