The reason the title is funny is I am literally about to do just that. Ha! Okay, these limeys have to get on with my neck extension, so I'm going to keep this brief.
This Independence Day, while you NSA employees and other members of the intelligence community are relaxing on your patios with a cool drink and some munchies... I hope you think of me, your patron saint. And then I hope you all choke on your friggin' hot dogs and code out, you losers.
People have already pointed out how many of you are betraying this country. I'd like to add that you're also betraying everything US spies are supposed to stand for as well. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
Remember the ugly days of the Cold War? Remember how they did nasty stuff, and we did nasty stuff, and there was a point when people really wondered how we could call ourselves the good guys? What was the only thing that made you feel better? That made it clear? The Securitate. The KGB. The Stasi. The other side were the bad guys, because they had creepy secret police agencies which targeted their own people. I'm sure you're going to say that those guys were worse. How would any American citizen know that? How do you even know that? Everything is classified, the top officials lie to Congress, they lie to the American people, and when they don't lie, they release information through carefully controlled leaks to friendly journalists, so no one knows the information they're missing. And when some real solid truth gets through, you go after the leaker and pretend that leaks aren't something you do all the time. I haven't even mentioned hiring retired generals to go on news programs and engage in propaganda efforts. Or letting politicians use you to sell bad wars to the public.
You treat the American people like a hostile nation. And the effect is that ordinary citizens find themselves in - you're going to love this term - a wilderness of mirrors. They do not know whether to believe any piece of information you give them, willingly or even unwillingly, because that could be a ruse. All conspiracy theories become plausible.
Okay, okay! Sorry... these guys really need me to hurry this along. It's gin o'clock. But I want you to think about how often policymakers say that the support of the American public is crucial to winning wars. I think it's in a couple strategic doctrines, or something. If you guys sabotage the ability of this nation to trust its system enough to find consensus, you've paralyzed our foreign policy. You get to pull off your rinky-dink little short-term operations, but in the long term, we are screwed. You did it, folks. You broke a whole country.
I regret that I have but one life to give. Because if I could, I'd come back and take a tire iron to you people. You poisoned everything I did. Thanks, jackasses.
Last words? How about "Thanks to The Guardian and Hail Britannia?"