Friday, September 6, 2013

Barack Obama Wants Me To Jump Off A Cliff

I'm a fan of Barack Obama, generally speaking. I like the guy; I really do. I sure criticize him a lot, but he's my president, and I'm an adult citizen in a free republic, so that's just my job. The point is, I agree with his position on gay rights and economic equality. I enjoy his speeches. Hell, I like the guy's sidekick.

Would I ever rethink my vote for him against Thurston Howell The Bodysnatcher? No.

But now the guy I supported - whom I still support, mind you - wants to jump off a cliff. What do you do in that case? What do you do when a friend wants to hurl himself off a high precipice - jagged rocks below - and he's asking you to join him? Do you go ahead, just because you're afraid people will start doubting your loyalty? No. No, you don't. Because jumping off a cliff is a damn fool idea.

A real friend stands there, and he tries to talk the other guy out of making like a Pollock painting.

So I'm here, yelling at him and all the guys he convinced to go lemming. And sure, I feel lonely about it. I have mixed emotions. And then I look over, and you know who is standing next to me? Yelling the same things? Making the same arguments?

Rand Paul. That goddamn tool, Rand Paul. Jesus on a crutch. I mean, if Rand Paul told me water was wet, I'd turn on the faucet and check. But he happens to be saying things that I happen to agree with. It is one creepy-ass feeling to find yourself agreeing with a guy who thinks of The Fountainhead as erotic literature. The feeling's almost bad enough to make me rethink this whole cliff-jumping thing. Almost.

Here's the problem though: It's still a long, long way down there. And those rocks are just as sharp and...

Oh fuck, it's Ann Coulter. Oh c'mon! What the crap is happening here? Ann Coulter? The one who makes fun of 9/11 widows is out here, and she's on my side?

Ugh. So be it. I can only tell myself that these jackasses will disagree with a democratic president no matter what he says or does. That's their job. That's why they're hacks. In order to not be a hack, you have to care more about what's right than who's right. Jumping off that cliff is still - and always will be - a stupid idea.

And no, I don't think we should chuck any Syrian civilians after him, just to keep him company down there

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