Saturday, September 7, 2013

"Justify That War!" With John McCain

Most people think John McCain will sign onto a military strike anywhere in the world. It seems like he will argue strenuously for just about every presidential use of force you can imagine. But is he truly a war-justifying genius? Does he have what it takes? Let's test his limits on... "Justify That War!"

Senator, thanks for joining us.
Let's get started, son. No chitchat.

Okay then. Clear the board. Sixty seconds are on clock. Justify... An invasion of Syria.
Gotta fight terror.

An invasion of Iran.
Terror.

Pakistan.
Terror.

China.
The Commies.

Belgium.
Obesity.

Quebec.
Self-defense.

Self-defense?
C'mon, son. Bastards are right on our border!

Missile attack against Cancun.
Spring Break injuries are at an all-time high. Show of strength. Restore order.

Annex the Sudetenland.
[Snort] Wehrmacht has had 70 years to resupply. Can't afford to back down.

Special Forces raid deep into Scotland.
The MacRoy clan knows what it did.

Fire 24 nuclear missiles directly into the Atlantic Ocean.
Only thing manatees understand is force.

Bomb every museum in continental Europe.
The last thing Putin would expect.

CIA topples Spanish government.
Free markets.

...Swedish government.
Free markets.

...
Israeli government.
Pass.

CIA replaces Dalai Lama with Jon Cryer.
The man's a comedy genius.

Military program to throw earth out of its orbit and plunge it into the sun.
That's the easiest you got.

Really?
It's how you win the War On Terror for good, son.

Oh. Well, that was very impressive. Thank you playing, Senator.
Playing what?

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