Saturday, September 14, 2013

"We're Intelligence Professionals, Bro. Let's Have Fun With It."

I'm gonna be the one to say it, bro: Op Ajax is done. Okay? It's over, and it's not coming back. Op Ajax did whatever the hell it was supposed to do. We take 10 minutes to upload the action reports - which no one reads, bro - and we're done for the day.

We're just sitting in this office in freakin' Virginia with nothing to do. We're not getting the next assignment. There were five people who knew we were out here. Three of them are dead and two are lobbyists. We're a codename on some spreadsheet. We're a line-item. We are invisible now.

It's been killing us. I mean, how much money from the Cobra account can we really spend at Dave and Busters, before it gets pathetic? How many times can we prank that douchebag Steve with a TSA action alert?

I'm done feeling this way, Trev. I am done. We have all kinds of options open to us, and we're not even using them. Last night, after we did that thing with the SWAT team at Stacy Morley's house, I got really drunk and came up with a list of our assets. You ready to hear me, dude? Okay...

We have clearances.
We have access to $50 million. Easily.
We have a compartmented op that no one knows about, and everyone's afraid to look it up.
We have the credit card number of everyone in Utah.
We're technically officers in the Iraqi special forces.
Also, remember Chad? The guy in freshman dorms who threw up so bad he blew out the veins in his eyes, and everyone called him Lucifer? Yeah, well, the bitch can task Predator drones now. We're going to lunch at Chili's , and that guy is down for some crimes. He's just as bored as we are.

There are a lot of people like us out there, man. A lot. The whole system's set up that way. People with funds and equipment and nothing to do.

We're not going to get in trouble, Trev! Don't pussy out on me. I will punch you if you pussy out. There is no one out there to figure out what the fuck we're doing. And even if there were, they wouldn't want the story to get out any more than we would.

Remember what Jordan said after Hell Week? He said "Today is the threshold on the doorway to a tomorrow where we are to make our lives extraordinary."

I refuse to sit here decrypting porn and playing Halo with those tools at NORAD any longer. I am young and smart, and I have control over billions of dollars worth of lethal hardware in a country where not a single person is looking over my shoulder. And I am going to make my life extraordinary.

Chad thinks he can get us into a warehouse with old rocket launchers from the Ethiopia thing. I'm not jerking you. Rocket launchers. I get a king chubby just thinking about it.

Get ready, dog. Today is the last boring day of your life. Let the games begin, bro.


  1. A number of years ago a not-even-deep audit of the Pentagon supply chain found that they couldn't account for the whereabouts of 20% of their assets. One fifth of all the hundreds of billions of dollars worth of everything from paper clips to major league explosive devices, who the fuck knows where? Some of it could be exactly where it should be, or nearly so. Some of it could be lost, junked, stolen, resold, kicking around battlefield Earth.

    So this little scenario is not so nuts.

    My father served in the occupational forces in Germany in 1946 under a commander who knew the lieutenant in charge of liquor distribution for the officer corps all over Europe. The big shots had unlimited liquor allowances, so the lieutenant charged cases of booze to Eisenhower's account and they all got blotto. All too typical.

    1. Do you write about your dad on your blog? I want to know more about what the guy did.

    2. I limit the personal stuff online. Let me put it this way: the occupational forces in Europe were like a long episode of You'll Never Make a Million (Phil Silvers, Sgt Bilko) co-written by Joseph Heller and Kurt Vonnegut.

  2. Another thing: This is totally asking to be a movie script, bro.

    1. You and I are on the same page politically here.

      As far as movies go - I'm psyched you think so. My aim with the blog is to do more to actually develop characters, and maybe use them in longer fiction pieces. Movies are another huge step entirely. But you never know...

  3. The only problem would be whether it's a comedy or tragedy; it plays both ways...

    But, yeah. I could SO see how this works.


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