Saturday, September 14, 2013

"You Picked Your Syria Bracket Yet, Bro?"

Don't crap me, Trev. Don't you sit there and crap me. You haven't even picked your Syria bracket, have you?

I'm right here. You have to talk to me. Are you going to pussy out on me now? We're Sig Ep bros, bro. That's supposed to mean something.

Look, the pool for this thing is $3 million in misplaced development funds. And if you help me, a big chunk of it is going to be ours, yo. We got twenty five hundred dudes across five agencies and twelve contractors picking who's going to take Syria. And their brackets are identical. Almost every one of those assholes has the same choices - Sweet Sixteens full of Assad Regime, Hezbollah, ANF, the Free Syrian Army, and Who The Fuck Cares?

So no one's making money unless there's an upset. Unless the Mumford Salvation Front goes deep and surprises everyone. And no one expects that, because they didn't even exist until last week. They're not going to be alive in 10 days unless those Stingers in the warehouse get put on a ship to Damascus, which they totally did.

They already did, Trev. We talked about it, and I thought you were behind me, man. So now someone with OS-SAP Clearance has to make it look like Clapper signed the order, and then it will take care of itself, because that idiot has lied so many times he won't even remember what the real truth is. And that means I need you to get. The Fuck. On board. I need you to fill out your Syria bracket with our new best friends, so we can collect mad cheddar and be up to our knees in Miami stank this Christmas.

Don't cock-block me with the Constitution, Trev. This is Miami.

Look, you're not going to screw up that country any more than it already is. Mumford probably gets all the way to Elite Eight, before those salafist bastards chop their heads off. Meanwhile the CIA sends equipment to some bunch of jagoffs who sound nice when they talk to Wolf Blitzer, and that keeps 'em alive for awhile. But the final four are going to spend years killing each other, and the only thing the US government will do is add to the pain. No one is solving this. Especially not Team America. Our guys don't have a good record for solving situations in the Mideast, right?

Which means we might as well help Mumford dominate the region with antiaircraft fire and bitchin' folk rock. And then we can make our money and spread it around on some hos, man.

Dude, help a brother out. We're not doing anything really bad.

It's not like we work for Raytheon.

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