Friday, October 18, 2013

A Message To The GOP From The Passenger Pigeon

Things don't look good, bro. I have seen this stage before.

You guys are thinning out, and folks over at the National Review are getting nervous. They used to see people like you everywhere, and now it's just one or two cranky old guys at the bus stop or US Senate. Sad, really. Or it would be sad, if you hadn't tried to sabotage the government.

And this is the trouble with you: You've reached the part where you want to act cute and nice, so someone will put a pair of you in a zoo. Keep the species alive. You'd have a realistic habitat for Tom Coburn - it would probably look like a hunting lodge sometime in the 1950s - and people would try to get Ann Coulter in there and leave them both alone for awhile, only she'd keep scratching his eyes out. But no one wants to do this. They know the result of any pairing would be hideous.

You see? You guys have the worst of both worlds. Your numbers say "endangered," but your actions say "invasive species."

And both of these problems have the same root: Adaptation. You can't relate to anyone who doesn't look like you at a time when America is becoming a diverse place. And you can't govern alongside people who think differently than you at a time when the government is facing some of the most complicated political and economic challenges in its history. The problem is not that the Tea Party is filled with ideological conservatives. It's that they're such dim bulbs. It's not that Fox News is opinionated. It's that it's bashing Muslims and pushing cheap conspiracy theories. One of your own guys said you need to stop being the stupid party. Why don't you listen?

Your central message is supposed to be government skepticism, and there is no one in this country who can't relate to that. That's a hell of a good message! But no one likes a guy who just wants to wreck the whole machine. That's like when one of my cousins gets trapped in an air conditioning unit. The guy who fixes the thing doesn't care whether my cousin comes out in one piece or several, you feel me? Skepticism is not the same thing as nihilism.

If you get smart you could come back from this. You could be like those other kinds of pigeons. You could be swarming through DC and crapping on everything along with the Democrats. I know you guys have it in you.

Ted Cruz likes aiming for windows. Stop following his lead.

1 comment:

  1. Damn... I knew better than to drink coffee when reading this time... but had a taken a sip when I read the last line my computer might just have given me the blue middle finger screen of death... it has been acting a little slow since Humungus Bravo! again. You are on fire this week. You should probably start posting a warning at the top "Don't read with a mouth full of beverage" I for one now know better but... you never know in this day an age you could get sued for this.

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