Thursday, December 12, 2013

"We're Not White Guys, Megyn Kelly" By Jesus and St. Nicholas

Hey Megs:

Santa, here. I was hanging out with your Lord and Savior, stringing some popcorn in heaven, and we figured we'd drop you a line. We don't want to make too big a deal about this -- we're both pretty multicultural -- but we want to get the record straight.
We're not white people.

I'm sorry if this bothers you. But it's the truth. St. Nick and Jesus are not, and never have been, from the dry part of the bird.

First of all, modern concepts of whiteness just plain don't apply to a first century Jew and a third century ethnic Greek from what is now Turkey. We're not anywhere on your little crumbled Saltine Venn diagram.

But there's something else that deeply infuriates us, and it needs to be said. Your viewers - and a large chunk of your country - hate and fear folks who look like us. Do you realize that?

Look at a reconstruction of my face by the St. Nicholas Center. Really look at me. I am a bearded, sienna-shaded gent from the Near East. Your network spends all day flashing pictures of guys who resemble me to justify drone strikes, profiling, and torture. I'm not a jolly elf to a Fox News viewer. I am the freakin' bogeyman. And, I'd like to point out, so is my Nazarene buddy over here, whose birthday is coming up. Sarah Palin pretends she's ghost-writing for the guy, but she wouldn't get in a cab he was driving.

If Jesus Christ and I got seats together on the flight next to any of your viewers, they'd piss themselves and demand that TSA goons zip-tie us both. They would. And many, many other Americans -- even folks who call themselves liberals -- feel the same way.

This season is supposed to be about universal love, and your company uses it to incite fear and distrust. You use it to pander to old white people with faulty memories about some golden-age America that didn't really exist. But that vanilla image of us in the center of all this nonsense -- it's exactly what's wrong with you, your network, and your whole country.

You're getting coal from me, hon. But JC wants me to point out that his naughty list is a little more permanent. Think about it.

Claus out.


  1. Great piece! I read it at DailyKos but since I only lurk there I couldn't comment. I'd like to think St. Nick sounds exactly like you've portrayed him here. He would put the fear of God in little Megs heart, that's for sure.

  2. Well, obviously, this iconoclast is going to be applauding this effort. I think that we were first separated by "race" in the 19th century and, unfortunately, the idiocy of that lives on is a product of uptight British types experiencing up-close and personal encounters with people who weren't wearing cravats and derby hats.

  3. This assumes that little Megs has both a brain and a heart. I'm pretty sure she has neither.

  4. Darn it. How was I linked here? Love your writing style but now I have to go hunt down a writing utensil because i'm to stupid to figure out how to bookmark on this piece of crap android. I just bought your last book and look forward to reading it. Good luck on the new one.

  5. Just wanted to say I read "The Big Money" yesterday and really enjoyed it. Laughed like hell. Look forward to reading more of your work. Thanks

    1. I love it when people like that story. Here's the Epilogue: It's 5:48 in the morning, "Amy" is downstairs pulling wrapping paper out of the garage, and the three boys are going to charge out of their bedroom any minute and tear up this place, before we get them off to school. But the coffee machine just beeped, so we've got that going for us.

  6. I love this. I am so sick of people using the impossibly Nordic Jesus (blond ringlets, blue eyes, pointy shnozz, rosebud lips, pink skin) to represent a man born in the middle east. That they should then have the gall to complain about a representation that is actually closer to the mark is irksome.

  7. I'm a normal white American and even I recognise that J.C. this fact.
    Most American's are sheeple lead by a demonic force taught to them through media and religion. There is no "common sense" or "Thinking for yourself anymore" in this country. It really saddens me to see how much of a downward spiral we are all on. Great Piece!


Related Posts with Thumbnails