Friday, January 18, 2013

"I Poisoned The Gotham Reservoir" By Wayne LaPierre

The Founders wanted us to stay vigilant. They knew people would try to take our freedoms. And that's why they gave us the right to bear arms. So we can act as a powerful counterweight to authoritarian governments like this administration. Sure, we wield tremendous political influence. But what if that fails? The core of the NRA message is that safeguarding democracy means threatening violence if you don't approve of the results.

That's where the Smile Toxin comes in.

Minutes from now, the entire population of Gotham are going to understand that the Second Amendment isn't just for hunters or sportsmen. It's for people determined to protect their liberty by force if necessary. This is exactly what the authors of the Bill of Rights wanted. The synthetic venom has been circulating through the water system for a long time. Plus, we've kidnapped the only scientist who can create an antidote; we suspended him in a cage along with the Commissioner's daughter above a happy birthday cake made entirely from glowing acid-sludge. Why? Because we're serious about checks and balances in our system.

At the NRA we're not just sabotaging public policy and putting lives in danger in order to indulge in weird fantasies of destruction and revenge against imagined enemies. We're an important part of the give and take in our republican form of government. So don't try to tunnel down into our hideout, unless you want to hit tripwires connected to bombs all over the city and animate thousands of our wind-up Karnage Karts.

Look, I know you want to stop these terrible shootings in our schools. We're willing to talk about that. But you won't stop criminals by punishing people like us, law-abiding and responsible folks who just need to plan for the overthrow of the government if we lose the next election cycle. The only thing that can defeat a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. And until you learn that, we're going to choke the streets with your dead.

(Photo by Gage Skidmore. Used under Creative Commons license; information here.)

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

A Message To The NRA From A Guy With A Duffel Bag Of Guns

"Stand and fight." Man, I love that new ad campaign of yours. You guys are saying exactly what needs to be said now. We are under attack, and we need to defend ourselves. In your case, it's about preventing Obama from disarming people and starting his global tyranny. My goals are smaller. I just have to cleanse the demons from this shopping mall food court. But we're both working together.

You know what we are? We're misunderstood heroes. A lot of folks tell you your arguments are part of some kind of paranoid fantasy. That you're not really acting as a check on government power with your opposition to gun control - you're just making people all over this country less safe so you can play soldier in the woods. Yeah, well don't believe them! Dr. Breen says I'm not a Commander of the Knights Templar. My point is that you know in your heart what's true, and you're not going to let people convince you otherwise. No matter what happens on a bunch of news channels.

Our vision of this country is the same: We want a place where we all have rights. Specifically the right to own a pile of military assault weapons without anyone monitoring us so we can train and plan and then secretly block the emergency exits to the building. It's a country where we have the right to fight for our freedoms against all enemies, foreign, domestic... or even the ones that might be imaginary. It's a home where my right to swing my fist ends where your nose, torso, neck, and the back of your head begin. But only after it's all over, because people don't have the right to ask what I do with my guns, or where I'm keeping them, or whether several psychiatrists think I need to be heavily medicated. That's just like what the Nazis did.

You inspire me, NRA! You make everything I do possible. I just want you to know that. And don't worry. I know you have your critics. But there's a whole nation full of people just like me.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to work before the security guards figure out what I'm doing.
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