Friday, February 22, 2013

"Please Cut NASA So I Can Vaporize Your Planet"

Guys, could we get on with this, already? I'm bored. I'm lonely. I haven't seen my family in a century. It's horrible. Our kid is at that age where you can miss something any year.

My job is - well it's hard to explain, but I'm kind of like a consultant. Don't worry about where. It's not even in this galaxy. Anyway, I'm stuck out here monitoring the only inhabited planet for light years around. And as soon as I can complete this report about why you're not going to survive as a species I can file it, punch this thingie on the screen that'll wipe out your solar system... and I'll be back home before Life Day.

You just need to get on with that sequester. It'll massively cut funding for NASA, and we've already done the calculations, but we're certain you'll spend the next hundred years using your technology to create porn, weapons and films with talking animals. Then you'll all kill each other.

Of course, not too long ago you almost made a real change. You put people on your moon, and you were mapping out your location in space and time. It was a really exciting couple of decades. We had to halt the whole project, and there was a ton of paperwork, but I gotta admit, I was kind of rooting for you, even though it made problems for me personally. Not anymore, though. Your wealthiest nation - the place that was created by the Enlightenment and ended up leading the way to explore the universe... It's decided to chuck it, because you can't solve your stupid political squabbles and you don't want to give up any attack jets.

You know how stupid you look to the rest of us out here? Let me give you an idea: It's like when you folks find an ancient settlement and dig up a trepanned skull. You're ignorant, violent, superstitious, hypocritical jackasses, and what used to be the freest country on your world is using all its efforts to hunt people down, kill them, and then make movies about it. Many of you have decided you don't even believe in science.

It's actually worse than if you were still punching holes in each other's heads to let the demons out. It's like you advanced past that stage, and then decided to go back. Ugh. I can not wait to turn you people into plasma. I work for an energy company. Basically, we're going to convert your whole civilization into something like two barrels of light sweet crude. Believe me, you'll do much more good this way.

Anyway, NASA was the last, best hope that you guys might get it together as a species and end up turning into a halfway decent bunch. You might have created a couple of space elevators, spread out some colonies. The need for cooperation and the gut-level realization of how small you are in the cosmos would have done you some good. You would have grown. Your journey as a people would have become strange and beautiful. That will never happen. So, as a last gesture, you could still do the decent thing and make the cuts soon. Then I can destroy this stupid planet and head back to someplace that doesn't have a Tea Party.

And yes, Life Day's a thing.

NOTE: If you'd rather not have us all wiped out, please go to and find out how you can help continue our, let's face it, somewhat pathetic progress toward becoming an intelligent species. Or at least make it a sad day when we do get annihilated, instead of leaving people feeling like we just cleaned the fridge.

This piece is dedicated to Neil deGrasse Tyson, Carl Sagan, and my friend DMH.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

A Message To John Boehner From Willy Wonka

Come back, man. Come back to the factory. You've done everything you could. But it's time to admit it's over.

We haven't always agreed, but I supported you when you decided to go into politics. I was thrilled and very proud when you became Speaker - you know that. And I'll be honest, a guy with my workplace safety record is never going to be a real fan of regulation. We always saw eye to eye on that, Johnnie! Heh.

But the point is, you wanted to go to Washington to accomplish something. And that's not going to happen. You are setting yourself up for failure, my friend. Remember that guy who fell into the Crumbler before it finished cycling? That's what the GOP is looking like these days.  And you're all mixed up in it.

In order to compete against the president, you have to convince the American people that your side is the reasonable, responsible one. And you have to do it right when those Tea Party hacks are showing dummied-up pictures of Karl Rove as a Nazi war criminal. You've got leaders at the local level posting racist nonsense on the web, Colin Powell publicly slamming you guys for intolerance, and the state organizations are trying out schemes for straight-up voter suppression. So you have to corral the freaks in your own House, and you have to pretend you're all just a bunch of normal folks who happen to like limited government because you want to grow the economy and fight for the little guy, and all the rest of that Reagan-Democrat argle bargle.

It's the wrong time to sell that hair tonic, John. You look foolish. Remember that bizarre gulp of water Rubio pulled? It was the only honest part of his entire speech. The man really seemed thirsty, and folks believed him. You'll never get another moment of credibility like that.

You are putting yourself in the position of trying to be the sanest guy in the lunatic asylum. Maybe you'll succeed. But that doesn't mean people will let you walk the streets, know what I'm saying? What you're doing is thankless.

Let it go. Step out, walk away - let the bastards torch their own party - and stop trying to defend them. Come home.

I'll give you your old job. I'll even make you the Manager of Nougat. You always liked nougat, John. Right now, you're just dealing with nuts.

Monday, February 18, 2013

A Message To Mark Sanford From God

Markie. Caught the campaign ad the other day. I wish you would have asked Me about it first... because I'm not going to support you. I figured you'd want to know as soon as possible. Take the thing down before you embarrass yourself.

You're right about Me - I am definitely the God of second chances. But - and there's no nice way to put this - you are way, way past second.

Let's have a quick tally.

Actual Commandments you've broken:
Adultery, several counts of bearing false witness, and misuse of public funds, which counts as stealing. That's three right there, okay?

Then the rules Jesus added in the Sermon on the Mount about lust in your heart and swapping your spouse for a new model. You broke those too. Please go ahead and read that whole thing again.

Anyway, this brings us to...
6. Humiliating your wife by cheating on her in the most public way possible.

And of course proving that you are hypocritical garbage by...
7. Voting to impeach Bill Clinton and telling CNN in 1999, "The issue of lying is probably the biggest harm, if you will, to the system of democratic government, representative government, because it undermines trust. And if you undermine trust in our system, you undermine everything."

8. Opposing gay marriage, and even civil unions, and voting against gay adoption in Congress. I should count that as more than one thing, but let's just keep moving.

9. You announced in 2009 that your political career was over. That's more a broken promise than a lie. But when you said it, you added this: "This is truly not about Mark Sanford anymore.'' And that was definitely a lie. A whopper, Mark. You've never felt that sentiment in your entire narcissistic life.

10. Your apology was an act of depravity in itself. Especially when you said this: 

I've been doing a lot of soul searching on that front and what I find interesting is the story of David. And the way in which he fell mightily, he fell in very, very significant ways, but then picked up the pieces and built from there. And it all really began with the larger quest that I think is well expressed in the Book of Psalms and the notion of humility. Humility toward others, humility in one's own spirit.

You were actually comparing yourself to King David, and then finding a way to brag about your own humility, all while supposedly telling people you were sorry. That was the kind of hubris that begs for an old-time lightning bolt. I've sat through more kings, popes, and Caesars than I really want to dwell on, but man, did that make me feel smitey.

11. And now you're trying to be a Republican officeholder again. Yes, that counts. Have you realized how awful you people are? Of course you haven't. Because you're exactly the kind of guy your party keeps electing again and again.

I'm far from the end of the list, but I'm going to stop, or I might make you have an aneurysm right now. Listen, I'm in favor of you trying to turn yourself around. I mean it. But I will not support you as a candidate. You've ruined enough lives. The only thing you're good for is embarrassing the kind of people who'll vote for you. Right now the GOP is depending for its survival on people who blow their thumbs off in firework accidents. And they're out there, believe me. Rick Perry knows all about getting that group. But there's a limit to what I'll inflict on them.

Try journalism or porn or something. There's a place for you, Mark. But you shouldn't have power. I'm willing to forgive you. But I'm not a chump.

(Special thanks to CC)

"Happy Presidents' Day, Which I Totally Invented" By Richard Nixon

Hi there. I am speaking to you from the ninth level of the Kingdom of Shadows, where I am encased up to my buttocks in a lake of ice. And I wanted to wish all of you  a very happy Presidents' Day, even though I completely made it up, and it's not real.

Bet you didn't know that, did you? Here's the quote from the US Mint website:

Since the passage of the Monday Holidays Act, Washington's birthday has been celebrated on the third Monday in February.  President Nixon called the holiday "Presidents' Day" to honor all past presidents.  Many states and people have followed his example, though "Washington's Birthday" is still the holiday's legal name for the federal government. 

And the US Office of Personnel Management confirms it.

You're having that M. Night Shyamalan moment, aren't you? The whole world flipped inside out, and now you feel queasy and powerless. Plus I just reminded you of M. Night Shyamalan, so it hurts even more. This is what I do. And it's why this day is my real legacy. I have left an imprint on your conceptual world, and it allows me to screw with you from beyond the grave. So have we all.

Every one of us, every thug, liar, and scoundrel who managed to shimmy up that greasy pole changed how we govern the country in big and small ways... some of them quite unnoticeable. People want to honor the brave and the smart and the honest. But isn't so much of our history about guys like me?

Lincolns and Washingtons pop up from time to time, sure. But the rest of the presidents, the real presidents... we are Legion. We are a tsunami of graft and corruption and tiny contemptible wars. We take up whole decades, almost centuries of governance. And the Congress and the state capitols are packed, absolutely teeming, with little larval Nixons ready to "grow into the office," as they say. After all, the opposition party always fights the current crook simply because they want to replace him with one of their own.

Tricking you into observing a fake holiday is a perfect monument to what we do. And the way you, the American people, celebrate it is also fitting: You don't care. You just want to max out that credit card for some crap you don't need.

From the depths of hell, I salute you my subjects and citizens. We need each other, don't we? We're all in this together in the dark.

Tell Liddy I'll come for him soon. Bye.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

A Message To The College Of Cardinals From The Holy Spirit

Folks, I'm not coming.

I don't know how you're going to pick the new guy. I don't care how you're going to pick the new guy. Puff the white smoke, don't puff the white smoke, it makes absolutely no difference. I refuse to be a part of this, this - I want to say train wreck, obviously, but at least train wrecks have the decency to stop at some point.

Flip a coin, play Monopoly, try competitive teabagging... however you select the new pontiff, I want everyone reading this to understand that I, the breath of the Almighty, the small still voice of Yahweh, the third distinct Holy Person in the mystical entity known to the faithful as the Triune God, will play absolutely no role in this purple freak show. I will be inspiring none of you. I will invest no one with the strength to become the heir of St. Peter and manage the affairs of the Bride of Christ on earth. Suck it, chumps. You're on your own.

This should surprise no one. Anybody following the Charlie-Sheen-porn-family you people have become will probably not even shrug at this announcement. It's difficult to find a Cardinal who doesn't resemble Keyser Söze in drag. Pick the spiritual leader of millions? Most of you guys are lucky you're not in prison.

Defender of the indefensible Peggy Noonan worries that Cardinal Roger Mahony will be voting, because he's done all the things you'd expect from a guy in his line of work. But he'd join a long procession of disgrace: the Dean of the College has his own experience trying to hide abuse cases. And so have other Cardinals. Some have tried to pin the blame on gay people, but I'm not buying it. I'm the Holy Spirit, okay? I know things. And there are plenty of other horror stories. One Cardinal defended Catholic officials in Brazil when they excommunicated doctors who performed an abortion on a nine year-old girl, who'd allegedly been raped by her stepfather. She had twins, and the doctors were concerned that her small body couldn't accommodate one fetus, let alone two. It didn't matter.

I could go on, but why bother? You have proven repeatedly that you're willing to enforce your extremist laws on everyone but yourselves. For you there are always excuses, loopholes, and chances to sit out the scandal. Everyone knows this. Because of you, there are now two kinds of Catholics: People who take Rome seriously and people who are paying attention. I've got better things to do than put a stamp on whatever rightwing gargoyle you're going to pick.

In fact, if I'm going to use any of my influence it'll be to remind the good, decent Catholics of what they already know. That the only moral response to you is rebellion. If they take me seriously, and some of them still do, I'm telling them to oppose your terrible nonsense. They need to fight back, and maybe finally walk across the street and join a church that doesn't run afoul of the RICO Act.

Okay, enough. You people exhaust me. I've got a couple of next year's Grammy winners to crap out, and then it's back to bed.

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