Tuesday, September 9, 2014

We'll Get A 4% Bump In Sales If The Cashiers Have Been Crying

We need to get more aggressive. You already know that. I didn't fly all the way up from Tampa to tell you people something you could have read in the last annual. We have to pump impulse purchases in the short term and Experience Club card enrollments over the entire quarter.

Now listen to me here: The key... is crying.

Yes, crying. We did a pilot program in some of our stores recently, and we discovered the figures jump if the sales associate looks like he or she just came out of the restroom after sobbing for a full 30 minutes and then somehow got their crap together. Sobbing, okay? They don't have to look like someone hit their puppy with a car. They have to look like someone held them at fucking gunpoint and made them run the puppy over themselves.

I'm not talking red eyes and snot here, though. We clear on that? The bump happens when they look like they're holding it all in. Think dignity, people. I want eyedrops and tissue at every station. Don't explain it.

We don't quite know why. Customers might feel sorry for them. They might be more likely to have a kind of human moment or some crap. But who cares? Look at the figures. Look at these goddamn figures. We have three and four point bumps in five stores across the mid-Atlantic. We have a couple of duds in St. Louis. Don't know why that... And see this fucker in Buffalo right here. Eight points. An eight percent increase in promotional sales and a - hold on, here - 10 percent spike in card enrollments. I don't know what they were doing right in Buffalo, but we've got room to grow with this.

We brought you guys in because we're going to experiment. We want to expand the program, and we want you to play with it. I want to see random firings at the beginning of every week. Random. Pick the nicest, hardest-working grampa greeter and throw him out like you caught him masturbating in the toy and hobby aisle. I want closed door meetings where you scare the hell out of cashiers until they're babbling to everyone else, and then you go after the others for gossiping. You see what I'm saying?

Get creative. "Steve, I just got a message, and I think your kid sister's in the hospital or something. Janet, right? Yeah, you can call them back as soon as your shift's over, buddy." We won't know what works until we try everything we can. But we're going to make some money at this.

Look, you don't stay competitive at a modern American company until you take every human interaction you can and find a way to squeeze it until it shits nickels. That's exactly what we're going to do, people. And who knows where this will end. Am I right?

Get back to work or you're all fired. Ha. See?


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"Once there was a haunted house hidden so well you might be living in it still."

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