50. Pat Robertson is a hypocrite.
49. Pat Robertson is hateful.
48. Pat Robertson is divisive
47. Pat Robertson is crazy.
46. Pat Robertson is too stupid to know when to stop.
45. Pat Robertson is too smart to forgive for his stupidity.
44. Pat Robertson is repetitive, and therefore boring.
43. Pat Robertson is an embarrassment, not just to Christians in particular, not just to religious people in general, but to everyone who has faith in anything. He brings shame to the act of belief itself. He makes the guy who has a system with Lotto tickets feel uncomfortable.
42. Pat Robertson is exploring new ways to be a dick. Which means you can't get used to it. You can't develop a kind of emotional callus towards him.
41. Pat Robertson makes co-hosts sit there and nod while he spouts his insanity, and that ruins lives and careers.
40. Pat Robertson lives in Virginia Beach, where I live, and he actually makes it worse.
39. Pat Robertson's first name is Marion, and you can tell.
38. Pat Robertson's the kind of old racist white man who smiles while he says the hideous things he says, so you wonder if he really means it, and any African American person dealing with him feels as though they're in a bizarre psychological thriller. He's why white people can never be trusted.
37. If Pat Robertson were incinerated in a blast furnace the chemically pure calcium left behind would still be somehow off.
36. If Pat Robertson complimented your child you'd get a new one.
35. Every time Pat Robertson rings a bell an angel... just kidding. There aren't any angels, because Pat Robertson's existence proves there is no God.
34. Pat Robertson is one of the worst people to come from the South. Yes, I know. Yes, I'm counting Florida.
33. Pat Robertson gives Republican media moguls a bad name.
32. When hearing Pat Robertson speak, the only appropriate feeling to have is something like what you got that last Thanksgiving before your parents finally went through with the divorce.
31. You wouldn't want to hunt Pat Robertson for sport, because that would mean spending more time with Pat Robertson. And because he can't be killed by anything of this earth.
30. Pat Robertson also gives TV preachers a bad name.
29. Pat Robertson doesn't pray hurricanes away. They avoid him out of a sense of decency.
28. Pat Robertson's show actually makes fundamentalists dumber.
27. When Pat Robertson rejected creationism it caused everyone want to crunch the numbers again.
26. Fred Rogers would punch Pat Robertson on sight.
25. Pat Robertson is the exception to Rule 37.
24. If you threw Pat Robertson into a dumpster of medical waste you'd ruin it.
23. Pat Robertson doesn't like porn, because he can only masturbate to atrocity footage.
22. Pat Robertson is why the aliens will never visit.
21. Pat Robertson is who the Boogeyman's mother warned him about.
20. Pat Robertson likes getting wrinkles, because he wants to trap all the light he can.
19. Every American child loses hope in this country on the day he learns Pat Robertson's name. The stuff about the smallpox blankets comes later.
18. Three people have had sex with Pat Robertson, and they've all been chopped up, vacuum-packed, and shot into the sun. Because that's what they wanted afterwards.
17. Pat Robertson is what bird flu looks like if it grows into a big enough colony.
16. The Romans knew Pat Robertson was coming someday, and they just gave up.
15. Pat Robertson can eat raw turkey. Because nothing in it is going to make him worse.
14. Pat Robertson is what lemmings are trying to get away from.
13. If you watch Pat Robertson's show for five minutes it will flush tapeworms out of your system.
12. The trembling of Pat Robertson's head happens because he's digesting souls.
11. The reason the devil is only frozen up to his waist in Dante's hell is because he's sitting on Pat Robertson's shoulders.
10. Pat Robertson is what you get when you feed Jeffrey Dahmer after midnight.
9. Pat Robertson can't stop moving or we'll all die.
8. Pat Robertson makes cancer come back by laughing at your jokes.
7. If you have two bullets and a time machine, you kill Pat Robertson and then go back so you can kill him in the past.
6. They don't allow Pat Robertson near the Large Hadron Collider, because then it would fart Cthulhu.
5. Pat Robertson loses a pound of skin every day. And by morning he's stolen enough to replace it. No one ever asks where.
4. Pat Robertson is always right behind you, whenever you feel a chill in the air, or hear the sound of something in pain.
3. You could fill the space Pat Robertson occupies with literally anything, and it would be less of a waste than filling it with Pat Robertson. Yes, I've considered Joseph Goebbels holding a shopping bag of monkey shit and Maroon 5 records. Because you could execute Goebbels, and that shopping bag would be a solid way to prank an enemy. But there is nothing to be done with Pat Robertson.
2. Pat Robertson is the absolute worst way to arrange every one of the molecules that compose him. There is no other structure you could make with them that would be viler. It's a statistical miracle.
1. Pat Robertson is just not very nice.
THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is a horror novel about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.
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