Thursday, October 16, 2014

"Fuck This Whale. Right In His Blowhole." One Star Reviews Of Classic Literature

These single-star reviews are from Goodreads, and yes, I admit this is therapy. I've included each work's average star rating (out of five), and I cleaned up some misspellings. I wanted to make fun of these people, but many of the reviews are actually sort of wonderful. I may post more soon.

Some of you know I've written a bizarre, dark horror story about the Bible. I've just released it, reviews are only beginning to accumulate, and I am anxiously waiting for my trip through the industrial shredder that is social media. Everyone has a right to an opinion, and no, not all opinions are equal. But who gets to judge?

I have to get back to work. Enjoy the post, and check out The Black Book Of Children's Bible Stories. I'm excited to discover what the internet thinks of me.


The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain (3.78 stars)

One of the reasons why I hate this book because its confusing just everything, coming all at once. I have to stop and be like "Wait, what's happening here"? Also because of the hill billy like language too. Another reason why I hate it, is because its sad, I don't like that a lot of people die, to me its just slightly annoying about [how] people keep dying, cause you can get also bored with it. The last reason why I hate this book is because its in a different time period, which is not that interesting to me. - Marina Cohen

This author clearly doesn't know how to write. I understand that slavery was a huge issue at the time, but I didn't like reading such a racist book. This was the worst book I've ever read, and I've read Twilight, so that's saying something. - Holly


Hamlet by William Shakespeare (3.98 stars)

After reading this and Romeo and Juliet, I strongly believe that Shakespeare is one overrated playwright. I will only read another play of his if I'm assigned one in other English classes down the road. - Jacob

This book/play is stupid and full of suck. SPOILER ALERT* Hamlet makes out with his mom then everyone dies the end. - Jaimee Michael

Hamlet faces many challenges throughout the play, as well as many deaths and murders. I wouldn't recommend this to anyone because I didn't exactly enjoy the book I guess if I had to, I would recommend this book to people who like Shakespeare plays. - Heather Scheer


Great Expectations by Charles Dickens (3.7 stars)

Dickens is a jerk. Nobody likes his stuff, they're just afraid to say it because he's supposed to be classy. - Robert

I read this book not once, not twice, but THREE F*CKING TIMES. I wanted so badly to like it just because Dickens wrote it. So, I say this in the most loving way possible: I wouldn't even wipe my ass with this. - T.Y.

WORST BOOK EVER! - Anthony


Moby Dick by Herman Melville (3.4 stars)

It's just that any enjoyment or satisfaction I got out of the book was overshadowed by the tedious, largely pointless stretches of encyclopedic descriptions about the whaling industry. Melville strikes me as one of those people who would corner you at a party and talk incessantly about whaling, whaling ships, whales, whale diet, whale etymology, whale zoology, whale blubber, whale delicacies, whale migration, whale oil, whale biology, whale ecology, whale meat, whale skinning, and every other possible topic about whales so that you'd finally have to pretend to have to go to the bathroom just to get away from the crazy old man. Only he'd FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM and keep talking to you about whales while peering over the side of the stall and trying to make eye contact with you the whole time. - Jamie

Fuck this whale. Right in his blowhole. - Jay Kristoff


The Stranger by Albert Camus (3.92 stars)

“The Stranger” is some seriously weak shit. I’ve gotten more enjoyment from looking [at] a map of Kentucky. - Chris

I thought this book was a waste of time about a guy who was wasting his existence. I guess I wouldn't make a very good existentialist. - Danielle The Book Huntress

That awkward moment when you don't seem to be able to like something that everybody likes. Well not just everybody, but people whose opinion you value. This is what I feel now. - Maryam

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