Wednesday, February 25, 2015

D&D Stats of the 2016 GOP Contenders - Ted Cruz

CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Subterranean
FREQUENCY: Common
ORGANIZATION: Multicellular
ACTIVITY CYCLE: Any
DIET: Scavenger
INTELLIGENCE: Unknown
TREASURE: E
ALIGNMENT: NE
NO. APPEARING: 1
ARMOR CLASS: 8
MOVEMENT: 1
HIT DICE: 2
THAC0: 16
NO. OF ATTACKS: 0
DAMAGE/ATTACK: Nil
SPECIAL ATTACKS: Nil
SPECIAL DEFENSES: Noise
MAGIC RESISTANCE: Nil
SIZE: M
MORALE: Average (8)
XP VALUE: 100

Ted Cruz is the junior US Senator from Texas. He resembles a mindless ambulatory fungus, and like one type of these creatures, the Shrieker, he emits an ear-splitting wail upon encountering a party. Unlike the Shrieker the senator usually appears in the vicinity of a pack of 2d8 freshman senators (treat as Hobgoblins for stats) along with staffers, media reps, and 1d10 kobolds. In addition his shriek combines with a powerful enchantment that has a 70% chance of attracting every creature within a 10 mile radius and putting them into a violent frenzy as if they have been subjected to a Confusion spell cast by a 4th level Wizard and then rolled a 7-9 on the results table ("Attack nearest creature for one round"). The effect will continue for a full 4d20 turns, so that monsters and raiding parties enter the fray and fight each other as the bloodshed mounts. When it is over it's common for dozens of PCs and NPCs of all alignments and political parties to lie dead around the junior senator, who then scavenges their bodies for sustenance and moves on to a fresh feeding ground.

NOTE: This is part of a series. Check it out at GOP Monster Manual.

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.

4 comments:

  1. Alignment is right. He has his admirers in the base, but every elected official seems to hate this fucking guy. So that's something we can all agree on.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Shouldn't "activity cycle" say something like "election years"?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Try to remember that Ted is a human being, and has a soul like the rest of us, that is if he hasn't sold it yet...

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts with Thumbnails