Saturday, February 28, 2015

D&D Stats Of The Republican Party - The Fleece Of Reaganhair


Woven in the cursed looms of the Iron City of Dis by unpaid staffers who were then ritually defenestrated so they could never reveal their secrets, the Fleece of Reaganhair is a figure of myth and malign legend. The Archduke of the Second Layer himself commissioned it to give to Mephistopheles as a token of their dark friendship. And Bards tell of how the armies of Baator carried it aloft in their battles at the very beginning of the Blood War before it was "lost" - accidentally or on purpose, no one knows - only to surface somewhere on a studio lot in California where it was claimed by a young actor at the start of his career.

The Fleece has a supra-genius intelligence and a powerful will of its own. When it accepts a wearer (always of lawful evil alignment), it grafts onto their skull replacing their own hair in a hideous and agonizing process that takes six full turns and renders anyone of less than 18 Constitution unconscious. It then grants all the armor class and saving throw bonuses, as well as the magic resistance, of a black Robe of the Archmagi, while also allowing its user to function as if they have just imbibed a Philter of Glibness. But these bonuses do not begin to catalog its real power. Because if someone who is not lawful evil attempts to wear the fleece, it forcibly changes his or her alignment, instantly draining 4 levels and 5d10 hit points permanently. Characters reduced to zero levels or hit points by the Fleece are "absorbed" into it, and all magical powers they possess become its own. No one knows how many Neutral Evil state reps and cable news commentators have stumbled upon this artifact in the back rooms of CPAC, only to find themselves lost forever, their minds devoured, their bodies transformed into nothing more than wisps of smoke, the smell of burnt skin beneath the cloying odor of stale Brylcreem.

Some say the Fleece is the phylactery of a powerful Demilich, whose identity is written revealed on a scroll kept amid the gin bottles and hummel figurines in Peggy Noonan's liquor cabinet on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. But others believe the Fleece is much more than an arcane magical item - that its black color and slick, slightly wet texture point to its true origin as the remnant of Ahriman itself, the primal spirit of Law and Evil in the multiverse. According to this tale, the "artifact" allowed itself to be found and worked by the agents of Dispater and then given to the Lord of the Eighth before journeying to Los Angeles, as a way of secretly spreading its influence through the nobility of Baator and the GOP leadership, all while Asmodeus acts as its decoy, drawing attention away from a master plan so convoluted and terrible it defies comprehension.

When one who is worthy holds the Fleece aloft at a national convention and then merges with it in shrieks of pain and triumph, the rumors promise, you will know that plan is nigh complete. And hell shall follow.

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.

3 comments:

  1. Now we know it's providence and purpose, but can it be stopped?!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Last night I was hanging around in a bar when a strange old man gave me a map to FDR's comb. I probably shouldn't have lost that.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts with Thumbnails