Wednesday, March 11, 2015

"I'm Going To Punch A Foreign Leader And See What Happens," By Sen. Tom Cotton

My name is Tom Cotton, and I'm the junior US Senator from Arkansas. You may not understand this, but Congress is a coequal branch of our government. We share some important foreign policy duties with the president. That's why I'm about to wander through the streets of the capital until I find a foreign official, and then I'm going to punch that person as hard as I can, just to see what happens next.

I bet it'll be cool.

The president can make agreements with other nations. But the US Senate performs an important role to advise and consent with him. It's right there in Article 2! Barack Obama thinks he's the only one who gets a voice. But we need to remind him he's not the boss. That's why I don't know who it is yet, but the person I punch will be at ambassador level or higher. I'm not just going to deck the export minister of some crap-bag country no one cares about. It'll be a major nation, and the guy I take down will be someone you recognize on TV. It's about respecting the office.

Plus I don't want to brag, but I have military training and I work out. If I whale on some soft, middle-aged dude who's not even expecting it, because he probably thinks I just want to meet him for a photo op or a junket, he doesn't stand a chance.

I might even do this throat-strike thing I saw in a movie once. The people who put me here don't deserve any less. We count too, you know! I want to make sure I act as a check on the president. So I'm going to put someone in the hospital, cause an international incident, and derail decades of painstaking diplomacy. Just like James Madison would have wanted.

Republican voters gave me a mandate to make sure Barack Obama is responsible to all Americans. That means he's not supposed to negotiate with foreign countries by himself. Or even respond to national emergencies or act as Commander in Chief, or any of the other stuff he wants to do, because folks like me are going to shut the government down so they can't put you in FEMA camps or force you to get gay-married to Frenchmen. I've been up since 4 am, pounding Red Bulls and reading the Constitution, and when I'm done one of those blond Fox women will interview me.

I'm from Harvard. Did I say that? That's right. Fucking Harvard, okay?

I know the law. I know my rights. I represent a major political party of a great nation and the proud state of Arkansas. Plus I've been practicing my moves in the mirror. Believe me, they are sweet.

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4 comments:

  1. That doesn't sound like James Madison. That's a bit more Aaron Burr.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Just finished The Big Money on my Nook. Really enjoyed it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. If you don't I will. These demoncrazy-jackasses been destroying this country for over 300 years and have to be put in their place. They started the civil war, wrote the FRA, they total traitors and terrorists and must be stopped if we are going to save our country.

    ReplyDelete

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