Hi there! I'm a beam of golden light sailing down to warm the earth straight from the heavenly crack of Scott Walker's ass with a message of hope for America.
Don't worry, guys! Your troubles are over. Scott Walker's got this. God spoke personally to him to tell him he needs to run for the most powerful job in the world as part of the cosmic plan. You can't argue with that kind of logic, can you? So I'm here to radiate sparkling beauty throughout this plane of existence from deep within the holy anal sphincter of the governor of Wisconsin. Let the glory that issues from the rectal cavity of this Midwestern politician ease your anxieties. Take it easy, nation.
Many of you might be skeptical.
"Don't a lot of people from the GOP talk this kind of nonsense?" you might ask.
Don't they always seem to use religion to justify their desire for power in a way that's hypocritical and creepy? Shouldn't that kind of weapons grade arrogance almost disqualify anyone from a position where you could literally kill everyone on the planet in the space of a busy afternooon? Didn't we elect a guy like that, and didn't he really fuck the country up good and proper?
I understand. Your doubts are normal, for no human being could fully understand the plan. No one could look deep within Scott Walker's mysterious glowing meat-flaps and comprehend. Believe me, it would shake you to your core if you really knew what was in there.
Just know that my message of joy is for you, America. Scott Walker is talking to you through me. He's talking right out of his ass.
THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.
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