Saturday, July 11, 2015

A Message To Conservative Catholics From A Cafeteria

You want some tater tots? The ketchup packets are over there. Knock yourself out. The meatloaf and fish fillets are that way. Pick whatever you want. I mean it.

I bet you didn't expect to be here, right? You guys always said you hated this kind of thing.

"I don't just choose whatever's convenient! I'm following the heir of St. Peter. The vicar of Christ on earth. The rest of you people - you just don't know what real commitment is."

Yeah. I guess it was easier when the boss just wanted to dump on women and commies. You could rail against gay people... or stop some poor man from pulling the plug on his wife who'd been brain-dead for more than a decade. That was pretty sweet, having the guy in the white hat giving you the go-sign.

Only now it's a different guy in a white hat. He's coming out against the wickedness of greed. He's talking about how climate change will devastate the poor. Hell, he's pulling the last Jenga block out of the entire worldview of your average Republican voter. And here you are.


I have to say, you probably should have seen this coming. The new guy isn't just making this stuff up. Scientists are certain about the damage climate change will do. The suffering and inequality unregulated capitalism causes is a matter of clear historical record - and you're pretty foolish if you couldn't expect to get a pope from Latin America, a pope who would have lived through all this. Someone who would know how immoral you people are.

Yes, immoral. It's about that - it's not really a scientific or even an economic debate. He's saying things that Jewish carpenter said a long time ago. Because Carpenter Boy was a real leftie. Stuff about rejecting all violence because it will kill you in the end. About how being rich imperils your soul. About unconditional love for the wretched. You conservatives - Catholic and Protestant - you love to talk about how believers don't have real credibility unless they're shaming gay people. But you're the original cafeteria Christians. You have been running the whole church that way ever since Constantine went Moral Majority. You think it wouldn't come back on you?

Anyway, tomorrow we're having crow. There's plenty for everyone.

Just kidding. Sloppy joes. And they'll be awesome.

Now get yourself a pudding cup, and for chrissake, go and sin no more.

(Photo by David Shankbone. License information here.)

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.


  1. Be forewarned--the "bread" tastes like fish food. My compliments to the Host?

  2. It makes me very, very happy that you're blogging again. Bravo!

    1. Thanks so much! I went through an long period of working on the next book. But I've realized I have to try to do both to stay connected.

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