Sunday, July 12, 2015

A Message To The GOP From A Man Who Just Blew His Thumb Off In A Firework Accident

Goddamn. God-DAMNIT. Son of a bitch, that hurts. SON OF A BITCH. Oh, sweet mother of Jesus, somebody get me two beers and some Bactine.

Is the ambulance coming? Is it coming right now? Keep that thing on ice in case they can sew it back, okay? KEEP IT ON ICE, KAITLYN!

Hi there. I wanted to take a moment to talk to you about Donald Trump. I know a lot of you guys don't take him seriously, but he represents the heart and the soul of this party. You can't ignore him, guys. People like me - the real people who make up the Republican Party - we're not going to stand for it.

Wait. I think I'm going to throw up. Hold it, I... Oh God. Oh God. Okay, it passed.

You need to do what we say, okay? We want you to build a fence around our southern border to stop the Mexirapists, keep the Democrats from building FEMA camps for Christian bakers, and you need to fight for Confederate heterosexuals everywhere. Millions of us are out here, and we're giving Donald Trump those great poll numbers, because we finally feel like we're being listened to, you know? Like I should have listened to Tyler when he said not to duct-tape 23 Green Dragons together.

We built this party into what it is. We've been supporting you for years, and you depend on us to win elections.

We are the GOP.

Now if you'll excuse me, I just shit myself.

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