Monday, July 13, 2015

D&D Stats of the 2016 GOP Contenders - Scott Walker

CLIMATE/TERRAIN: The Abyss/Madison, WI
FREQUENCY: Very rare
ORGANIZATION: Solitary
ACTIVITY CYCLE: Any
DIET: Omnivore
INTELLIGENCE: Unknown
TREASURE: C, F
ALIGNMENT: CE
NO. APPEARING: 1
ARMOR CLASS: -2
MOVEMENT: 5
HIT DICE: 12
THAC0: 10
NO. OF ATTACKS: 3
DAMAGE/ATTACK: 4-24
SPECIAL ATTACKS: See Below
SPECIAL DEFENSES: See Below
MAGIC RESISTANCE: 70%
SIZE: M
MORALE: Fanatic (17-18)
XP VALUE: 10,000

An adventuring party encountering the governor from Wisconsin might mistake him for just another potato-faced white man from the Midwest who can easily be dispatched by a swift melee, a flurry of arrows, and a magic missile or two. This miscalculation would cost them their very lives. The politician is known by humans and demihumans throughout the Prime Material Plane as "The Laughing Butcher" and "He Who Walks Between Shadows," and named by the blog fivethirtyeight as the one who "has a realistic shot at becoming the most conservative Republican nominee for president in a generation." He possesses malign power beneath his nonthreatening mayonnaise-tinted exterior.

Grappling with his bare hands he inflicts savage crushing damage along with an additional Chill Touch that drains 1d4 Strength from reporters and primary opponents. As he locks eyes with his prey, he delivers a powerful Insanity Gaze/Beguiling Gaze that eliminates all but the most hardy opponents. If overpowered he's also able to summon 1d8 vrocks, 1d4 hezrous, 1 balor, and $150,000 in untraceable soft money at will.

Some whisper that his powers are not his own - that he owes them to the service of a dark two-headed demon lord chained within the Abyss or the Cato Institute by enchanted labor and environmental regulations. Its description is obviously reminiscent of Demogorgon, but there are those who believe that its true name has never been revealed. The legends say that Walker is the Chosen Of The Beast, the one who will ascend to high office, free its master from its dark dungeon, and bring about a new dark age.

His wife's name is Tonette.

(Photo by Michael Vadon. Rights information here.)

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