Thursday, July 9, 2015

Dear Israel: I Think We Should See Other People

Hey Israel,

It's America. Can we talk? It's kind of important.

Listen, you're great. Really, really great. You've got a lot of good qualities. But I think we're unhealthy as a couple. And maybe it would be best if we just... just started seeing other people.

You kind of saw this coming, right? I mean, we're trying to get along with some of the countries in the neighborhood, and you're really interfering with that. It feels disrespectful. We understand you have serious conflicts with them - some bad blood - and we want to be sensitive. But you have boundary issues you've got to work on, okay? There. We said it. You do.

Look, we know you're living next door to some real assholes. No one's saying you don't. But you bring a lot of that drama with you. You don't compromise - you don't even recognize that other people have rights sometimes. You dismiss everyone who disagrees.

And you know what? I don't want to sound hurtful, but you take our money and then you spy on us everywhere we go. You never admit, but we know you're doing it. We know it. You really use us, sometimes. You're paranoid - God, you have all those secret weapons stashed away; how messed up is that? - and you manipulate us. It makes us feel stupid and dirty, and then we start defending you to everyone who knows us and explaining away all your behavior. But it's not good, Israel. We don't have a good thing, and we haven't in quite awhile.

It's not all your fault. We understand that. It's not even that we don't like you. We just don't like ourselves when we're with you, okay? We're trying to stop getting into fights with so many people in the area - stupid, idiotic fights that last for years and do nothing but harm - and you kind of pull us back into that. We've thought about it, and we really think we just reinforce each other's bad behavior.

So we should make a clean break, here. No one's saying we can't be friends. If we see each other over at Jordan's, or at the UN, we're still going to say hi. We're glad we helped you get set up. We don't take any of that back. But it's time for you to be on your own. It'll be good for both of us.

Okay. Take care. We have to go. We need to talk with Saudi Arabia now.

Thanks for listening.

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.

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