Tuesday, July 28, 2015

"If You Want, I'll Shoot Someone On Live TV" By Ted Cruz

I know that many of you out there like Donald Trump. I get that. You like his no-nonsense approach. You appreciate it when he says things no rational human being could believe, and he says them at a volume that makes them impossible to ignore. You look at this guy, and you think, "Now there's a candidate that just might be everything the Republican party's looking for in a rich, angry white fella."

Believe me, we are on the same page about leadership.

And that's why I'd like to point out that I, Ted Cruz, am perfectly willing to shoot a person for you on live TV.

How's that grab you? You gotta admit, it's pretty interesting, right? Well, I'm serious. Maybe we can work something out involving a death row inmate, or an undocumented worker - I'd even give him a head start to make it interesting. Perhaps I could just go to a place that doesn't have an extradition treaty, pop a guy a couple times in the head Scarface-style, and put it right on the Youtube.

What I'm saying is I understand you voters out there in primary-land. You don't want some elitist Washington politician who's going to jaw you into a stupor with crap about capital gains. You want a man who understands your values. Including how much you'd value the opportunity to watch some serious firearm homicide while you dig into your chicken buckets. I am aware of this. And I'm going to do whatever it takes to win the GOP nomination, no matter how immoral or batcrap it is.

Because that's the real test, isn't it? The willingness to just go to a place the other guy won't. Oh brother, I am already packing my bags to get there.

Say the word, and I will earn the right to be your candidate by replaying a scene I like to call "Dealey Plaza 2" starring an unsuspecting victim as Jack Kennedy and me as a huskier version of Lee Oswald. I will make this as ugly as you need, America. Believe it.

Now if you'll excuse me I've got a prayer breakfast in the morning.

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.


  1. "Horror has a face... and you must make a friend of horror. Horror and moral terror are your friends. If they are not, then they are enemies to be feared. They are truly enemies! I remember when I was with Special Forces... seems a thousand centuries ago. We went into a camp to inoculate some children. We left the camp after we had inoculated the children for polio, and this old man came running after us and he was crying. He couldn't see. We went back there, and they had come and hacked off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile. A pile of little arms. And I remember... I... I... I cried, I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out; I didn't know what I wanted to do! And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it... I never want to forget. And then I realized... like I was shot... like I was shot with a diamond... a diamond bullet right through my forehead. And I thought, my God... the genius of that! The genius! The will to do that! Perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure"

    ~ Colonel Kurtz - Apocalypse Now ~

    1. You've made me see a connection I did not want to make.


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