I think it's time to face the facts. Somebody in this GOP race isn't what he appears to be.
It might look like us. It might act like us. But it's not one of us. It's... a copy. An imitation. A perfect imitation of a Republican primary candidate. It's racist and incoherent. It makes old white people cheer and piss themselves a little.
I think it came back with that dog we found running around what was left of CPAC. It's just one of us right now, maybe. But whatever it is is going to take us over. We'll have to act like it to get the votes, right? Exactly like it. Each of us will be shrieking crazy shit about Mexicans. And then how could you tell who was faking? See?
By the time we get to South Carolina it'll be all of us.
That's why you're tied to the chairs. We're going to take a little bit of your blood, and we're going to burn the samples with this hot needle here. I was thinking about how to do this back when we saw what happened at that Family Values Summit. See, if I take a bit of that creature, even a little bit... it's going to fight for survival. Slither out of the dish and fight to get away. Find a corner and raise some soft money or get a book deal.
We're going to know soon.
I thought you'd complain, Ted. You're the only one who could have gotten that close to all those Tea Partiers. I'm going to test you last.
Okay... First, Walker. There. Now you, Jeb. Heh. That's not a surprise. Now you... Oh GOD NO. Get him. GET HIM! Hit him with the torch. Burn it down. The hair. Watch the hair - BURN IT ALL. I DON'T CARE, BURN EVERYTHING.
DON'T LET THE HAIR GET AWAY!
Christ. The hair's got Rubio.
(Idea from Kevin Macauley, a good man and a stalwart Somerville Yankee of the old school.)
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