sunday sun - the travel industry has lost $175m in revenue since trump won the election earth's oceans are warming 13% faster than thought rupert murdoch is turning fo...
Friday, August 7, 2015
A Message On Donald Trump From Conspiracy Theory Hillary
It's me, Conspiracy Theory Hillary. The Hillary that haunts your dreams. I wanted to take a break from controlling the weather and manipulating the Chinese currency system to talk to you about something. Wait - just got a text from Blumenthal and the head of ISIS... Nah, I'll get back to them on that.
You can't put Trump on me, guys. I know you think I'm some mashup of Claire Underwood and Walter White, but I have my limits. Donald Trump is just too perfect. I beat Henry Kissinger at chess every week, but even I can't think that many moves ahead.
We just saw the debate where he basically told everyone he's going to crash the GOP into the iceberg if they give him the wheel... and if they throw him overboard, he's going to cling to the side and drill holes into it until it goes down. I wish I could take credit for it, but how good at the game do you think I really am?
Plus, you're all just finding out his real problem isn't with Latinos - it's with women. Half the goddamn electorate, and he treats every single one of us like he's about to stuff twenties into our underwear. He's going to be out there calling women honey and slapping asses while the GOP tries to destroy Planned Parenthood, and I will be running as a realistic chance to be the first female president. What kind of criminal mastermind would I have to be to put all this together, you know? Can you really see me meeting with Megyn Kelly and the head of Fox and saying, "You help me use this fat oompa loompa to lock down the presidency, and I'll give you eight years of Democratic policies you can demonize to goose your ratings"? Can you really see that? I know, I know. It's too much.
Especially since his fatal flaw is also the reason your average white Republican man-child loves him so much. He's the kind of guy who highlights exactly what's wrong with Republican attitudes about sexual morality. Trump is your basic business-class sociopath who trades up wives and girlfriends with every fiscal quarter - but then says he goes in for family values. He doesn't see that family values is always about giving men the advantage. Always. The people who buy this nonsense are the same sort who found all kinds of disgusting ways to put the blame on me for my husband's cheating. They rigged the game against me. If I stuck it out, it would be because I was mercenary. But if I left, I'd be breaking up my marriage. Just like people found a way to say that every dress, pantsuit, and hairstyle I ever had was too fake, too feminine, too butch, or it looked like I was pandering. Yeah, we make a million contradictory rules for a working woman and a million excuses for a man. And the only possible advantage it gives a gal like me is that it creates a blind spot just big enough to stuff with a narcissistic turd-bomb who appeals to exactly the kind of jackasses who gave me such trouble for a couple decades. Then I could let that turd-bomb blow.
But could I have arranged that? How closely would I have to study hypocritical male egomaniacs to know exactly how to take them down? How much time and focus would it take? God, I'd have to have people like that in my face constantly. I'd have to have legions of them attacking me to learn all their tricks. Maybe even be married to one. I'd have to be working on this project like I was using a rusty spoon and some torn sheets to break out of a supermax.
And if I were capable of that kind of long-range deviousness... Jesus, you'd really have to worry about getting in my way, wouldn't you? You would really, really have to tread lightly around ol' Hillary.
Lucky for you guys, I'm just a figment of your imagination.
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