Wednesday, August 12, 2015

As Oath Keepers, We're Here To Defend The Constitution And Maybe Murder Some People

Good evening. The Oath Keepers are here, so you can relax. We're sworn to defend the Constitution from all enemies, foreign and domestic. We take that very seriously. It's a duty we intend to uphold. We travel all over the country to make our presence felt whenever there's a threat to someone's rights... or the possibility that we might be able to murder some people.

Now listen, we don't have to kill anyone. Murdering people is not in the bylaws or anything. That Constitution-defending thing is definitely the top priority. The idea that any of us might be able to squeeze the trigger on an AR-15 and watch a human being's eyes go blank as a bullet perforated his heart is not crucial to the mission. Although, if we're going to be frank here, most of us would be pretty jazzed to have that happen. I mean, look at us for chrissakes. We show up whenever there's a tense situation - when people are angry and scared - and we start waving guns around. What do you really think we're trying to do here?

But back to the Constitution. It's the most important document in our country. Most of us are police or military, and we've promised that we will absolutely not obey orders that violate that document. In fact, part of what we do is search out places where other people might be violating the Constitution, so we can confront them with deadly weapons and hope something spins out of control.

With the jobs we had, we spent years and years training to kill people, and then - for whatever reason - we just didn't get enough of it. It's like that with some occupations. You retire or you go through a boring patch; you start trying to find something to fill the gaps, right? Anyway now we wander around looking for other ways we might get to end people's lives on a non-professional basis. But only if they're Constitutionally-related. That way we're covered.

We're here to help. That's the primary goal. Murdering people would be awesome, if it happens. But you can't force it - that's the bad kind of murder.

We're going to go patrol, scare some folks, and see where it leads, okay?

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