Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Hillary Clinton And The Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad UN/FEMA Conspiracy

Call me Josh.

Before I tell you who I am and how I know what I know... Let me just say that Donald Trump is not actually working for Hillary Clinton. Five of the GOP candidates are really Clinton operatives, but Donald Trump isn't one of them. Hillary Clinton has the entire election locked. Her team will try to destroy everyone else before this is over. It'll be fun to watch. But that's not the weird part. The weird part is that the people behind her are the United Nations and the Federal Emergency Management Agency. They want Hillary Clinton in place as part of their conspiracy to continue dominating the US government.

Yes, I said "continue." The schemes Glenn Beck and the Oath Keepers are raving about? They've been in place for eight years. Don't worry, though. It's a good conspiracy. Promise. We have a secret gun tracking program, but we also buy schoolbooks for your kids, and we keep you from eating the near-lethal amounts of sodium they want to put in your corn chips. We're everywhere, and we're often the reason you're still alive. You have no idea how bad things have gotten.

I guess I'd better explain.

I'm a 38 year-old Canadian consultant and kind of a spy. I graduated from the University of Toronto in the late 1990s, and I came to New York City for a clerical job in the UN. My first assignment was as a gopher for the Assistant to the Undersecretary of the Deputy Minister of Who The Fuck Cares. The United Nations is a massive, sprawling bureaucracy, and there are many opportunities for a young guy who's good with people and has no options whatsoever. I found one - the office was buried down in the basement where the air conditioning system was brutally freezing in the summer and broiling hot in the winter. The condensation dripped off the ductwork and settled into the acoustic tile, which wilted and sometimes sprouted brightly colored patches of mold.

Three analysts and two assistants occupied a cluster of tiny rooms at the end of an enormous cement hallway - echoey, poorly lit and almost abandoned. Some days the lights in the hall flickered off for no reason.

The head guy - let's call him Steve - was about 60 years old. He was a slight, thin man with a quiet, gentle way of talking. He had straight, neatly combed white hair, and he always wore three-button suits. Not flashy, but perfectly pressed. Even in the middle of a New York summer - or a brutally hot radiator winter - he managed to look put together. He spoke Yank almost perfectly, but occasionally he’d clip his words strangely around the edges. You could tell he was from somewhere else. I thought he might be from Central Europe, but I couldn’t be certain where. As close as we got - he was like Gandalf, Aslan, and my dad to me some days - I never knew his last name. We didn’t go by last names down in the basement. On paper everyone was “Brown,” or “Miller,” “Black” or “Porter.”

Our Department’s mission was to study what we called “the American Crisis.”

You have a mass shooting every few weeks and new war every five years - your entire culture is bubbling over with fantasies of violence. Rich people are becoming as wealthy and powerful as small countries, while your working classes are maxing out their credit cards and eating catfood. This is basically what Steve told me on my first day at the Department. I'm paraphrasing, of course. But then he said something to me that I always remembered precisely. I will tell you his exact words:

“America is the kind of batcrap place you really need to keep an eye on.”

It’s still my own personal motto. Sometimes I wish we could translate it into Latin, put it on a plaque, and hang it above the door.

America is the kind of batcrap place you really need to keep an eye on.

You're basically a toddler with a handgun. Our department's job has always been to make sure you don't hurt yourself or anyone else. That’s what we do here. That’s what we did, anyway - before it got more complicated.

Remember the financial crisis? A wave of toxic debt almost took down the largest banks and investment companies in your country, and the government bailed them out at the last moment? And you all barely survived? Well, you didn’t survive. Not really. We just never told you.

Governments and financial leaders all over the world were worried how you guys would handle things. Iraq was at the tail end of a civil war you caused, and people thought you might launch an attack on  Iran - or Christ, even Venezuela. Anything for your politicians to goose their ratings and give the rubes something to watch on TV. Don’t say you’d never do something like that. A lot of very powerful men and women were very, very tired of your idgit hijinks.

What happened was what we now call the “BRIC Blitz,” a paralyzing economic strike, a kind of telecom Pearl Harbor. The BRIC nations - Brazil, Russia, India, and China - along with several large multinational companies quietly bought up stock in a portfolio of American companies which comprised the entire US donor class - the people who owned every political leader of any consequence in the country. One afternoon, around the time the big bailouts happened, while your Fed guys were ringing up Wall Street and barking instructions at people... this BRIC consortium organized a single massive conference call with everyone in the US government and corporate leadership and made a series of demands backed by the credible threat to kill any recovery by destroying markets, shredding stock prices, and most of all… cutting off the flow of campaign donations to whichever politician stood in their way. No one did. No one told.

By 1 am the next morning, China had secretly annexed Taiwan, and Brazil had secretly forced South American countries to close all US bases. Armies of lawyers descended on the Pentagon and put most of the DOD into receivership. Foreign crews came to airfields, SCIFs, forts, and boarded the great carriers in Norfolk and San Diego. They cleaned out the high-dollar equipment. They repossessed it like it was a deluxe sofa set you bought with bad plastic. A Russian billionaire used some of your gear to build a working replica of the Nimitz. It's now a floating casino. Your cable news didn't tell you all this? What a complete goddamned surprise.

Most of the military forces deployed overseas have an arrangement with their new bosses. Officers at the rank of general or admiral know they're working for different countries and companies (or sometimes both). The lower-level guys don’t. Everyone still wears their uniforms. It’s just better for morale.

Sometimes it gets weird: A squadron of fighters performed tricks for some Qatari royal’s kid on his 16th birthday last April, and we had to hush that up. But usually it’s hard to notice. How many of your foreign policy actions are for oil companies and the Israelis already?

They stripped most of the civilian government and sold it for parts as well. They kept the politicians in place, but their budget power is drastically reduced.

And they privatized the hell out of the country. Every company that dove in to pick up the pieces got a cheap deal and the opportunity to turn a profit. You’re seeing a lot of public schools doing math exercises involving Pepsi products, for one thing. You've always seen that? Yes... now you're beginning to understand how you could miss all this.

The irony is that things are the most stable in the very places that started the crisis. New York, LA, and Washington were rich enough to weather the storm. But the other cities and towns are sliding and sliding bad. Detroit is the model for where things are going to be in about five years.

So my Department expanded and renamed itself the United Nations American Crisis Team, or UNACRIT. Steve got an army of us, and I got a nicer office. We're working with FEMA. We're out there spying on you and monitoring your movements… but mostly we’re trying to keep the E. coli out of your water and insure you don't turn into Thunderdome on any given Tuesday. We’re providing secret aid to hospitals, because otherwise you people are going to see the Black Plague kill everyone in Delaware. We’re keeping half of all fire and police department vehicles repaired. We gather a lot of data.

Did you know the average American driving next to you on a major highway is so sleep-deprived from his job, he might as well be drunk?

Did you know Americans get 30% of their nutritional requirements in syrup form?

Did you know the typical staff officer commanding ICBMs is 25 years old, has a serious drinking problem, and plays computer role-playing games for more than 20 hours a week?

You want us in charge. Believe me.

The companies and countries which now own the US kick in a kind of common area maintenance fee to us - almost like we’re mall cops keeping skateboarders from pissing in the fountain near the national Food Court. But those people are stingy. They’re always looking for a way to cause trouble and take an even bigger chunk. They can't do it openly - people will find out and the whole game will slide out of their control. But if they get one of their own elected they might be able to do it by stealth. That's what 2016 is about. Their strategy involves black helicopters, the Infowars rebellion, and an attempt to build brand loyalty among militia groups. We're in for a seriously ugly presidential campaign.

This election they have fielded some candidates who can put the operation into action. If it works your neighborhood will start looking more Grand Theft Auto than usual. Hillary Clinton, shrewd and conniving as she is, opposes them and supports the powder blue gun grabbers. That lady is down with hideous global conspiracies, and that's damn lucky for you.

It’s the Wild West out here. You don’t know it, but it is. There are bad people, and they have bad plans for all of you. And the only thing standing between you and them is a secret cabal of polite Canadians pulling an Agenda 21 on your ass.

You’re welcome, and go fuck yourselves.

(This is part of an experimental conspiracy theory project which will follow the 2016 elections. Find answers to what the hell is going on at the FAQ here. And check back! We will have more.)


  1. You better put a smiley face somewhere in this or some wingnuts are going to start shooting the place up.

  2. Heh. I find the prospect strangely comforting.

    1. I know. Canadians running our shit for us, right? Makes you kind of relax. Don't worry - it gets scarier.

    2. According to Google Translate:

      America locum crap est genus bat Habeas semper oculum super vos vere postulo .


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