Saturday, August 8, 2015

"When This Is Over, Donald Trump's Going To Make Me A Sandwich," By Conspiracy Hillary

(Note: Conspiracy Hillary is the Hillary who controls the weather and manipulates elections and currency markets. She appears whenever two right-wingers gather in her name. She is everywhere, and it's even possible that she's real.)

Guys, I'm actually a simple gal. I have simple tastes, you know? Two things top my list: I like crushing the life out of dough-faced, self-important windbags. I also like sandwiches.

Mmmm... I can't get enough of them. My favorite is a capicola with provolone and cherry peppers on a crusty baguette. You toast it just enough to warm up the meat and give the cheese a little melt. It's perfect.

And when I get to be president, you know what Donald Trump is going to do for me? He's going to come over to the West Wing every Friday night while Bill is out and I'm tucking into my box of wine... and that bitch is going to make me a sandwich.

He's been useful - don't get me wrong. He was pretty easy to move into position, and he's doing the damage he needs to do. The hilarious thing is right now he really believes he's either going to win, or that he's going to use this to get himself some TV money. And what's even funnier is Donald believes that he came up with this idea himself. You do not have a hairpiece like that without cultivating a serious fantasy life.

Yes, useful. But also - let's admit it - kind of tiresome. He's beginning to annoy me with how he treats women.

What happens next - and I don't want to get into timing here - is that he flames out. He becomes radioactive for anyone with real power. I'm sure TLC will video him. But that's because they will literally give anyone a show - it could be Nazi war criminals with goiters. But they will be his only real option. Donald's dead now. He just doesn't know it.

And after he leaves, he's going to realize that for all the gum-flapping he did about liberals, he absolutely needs me to win. No one in the GOP or the conservative movement will respect him anymore. No one. I'll be the only one who will take his calls. And all those rubes and chumps in the flyovers with their Trump lawn signs? Yeah, he will scrape them off like skin fungus and try to sneak away from everything he said to them. He meant none of it.

So I'll be picking out rugs for the Oval when he calls because of some tacky land development thing, or maybe immigration trouble with his workers. He'll be trying to suck up, act like we're pals. Act like he did all this for me. Because in the end, Donald Trump is going to have to face the fact that I'm the only person in the world who will be able to keep him out of prison or bankruptcy court.

And then we're going to have ourselves a running Friday night thing going, if Trumpy wants to stay vertical. Yes. Might invite a certain Fox News anchor over - it always helps to open back channels with the enemy. I bet Megyn likes sandwiches too. In fact, I bet there's a small army of women from Donald Trump's past, and I'm the one who's going to find them.

All of them. Sandwiches for all of them. Who doesn't like a little girl-talk?

We'll take turns wearing the hair.

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