Saturday, September 26, 2015

Conservatives' Next Move Will Be To Burn John Boehner In A Large Wicker Statue

Sure, conservatives have scored a great victory with the resignation of John Boehner. But now they need to get a Republican elected president. They need to revitalize the GOP itself and cause it to become fruitful. People in the movement know that the only way to accomplish this is to bind the Speaker within the body of a great wicker statue and set it ablaze.

The base thinks their party has lost its commitment to core principles. Boehner has deeply disappointed them by refusing to push for a cutoff of Planned Parenthood funding, refusing to fight against Obama's healthcare and immigration policies, and by failing to provide the blood-offering for the old gods of wood and glen. People over at the Federalist and Red State think he needs to pay the price.

Tea Partiers believe the time has come to get tough. They're not going to win over the left by giving in to politically correct notions like accepting same sex marriage and rejecting ritual human sacrifice. And sure, the NPR crowd might get upset when the video of John Boehner screaming pitifully over the crackle of a roaring fire and Druidic chanting hits YouTube. But anyone who worries about that sort of thing is a RINO. McCain came out against killing people in flaming Wicker Men. McCain. Doesn't that say it all?

The party held power for decades by appealing to the traditional values of the American voter. And those values are fear and crippling superstition. Incinerating their former Speaker of the House to appease a collection of shadowy nature spirits might not make sense to those eggheads who believe in evolution, global warming, and the scientific method. but your average Republican knows in his guts that it's exactly what this party, and this country, both need.

Why? Because this is a Christian nation, damnit.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Well, accidentally deleted my comment--so let's try again. It's blowing my mind that they keep doubling down, thinking if they only get more conservative, more pure, they'll be successful. I'll never understand it.

    I can't wait for the Wicker Man!

    1. I know! I can't believe it either. So much of what I write is from that exact feeling you have.


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