Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Pat Robertson's Latest Apocalypse Just Got Personal For Me

Evidently the world will end on September 23.

Someone wrote in to Pat Robertson's show with this prediction, and Pat said that the Big Clock is set at "11:59," adding "I do think the earth is hurtling toward some final conclusion. We all feel that."

My birthday is September 24.

I'm a stay at home dad, and it's been a long, long summer with my children - you feel me? I love them, but I need some time alone. I was going to have red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting, and I'm only on the second season of Game of Thrones. I haven't even read the books, and my sister bought me the first this past Christmas. My day is wide open, but now Pat, you've come barging in bringing that darkness of yours.

Oh yeah, and my anniversary is on the 25th. My wife and I planned to have dinner somewhere dark and cozy and hold hands across a table. But instead, she's got to get raptured along with the kids, while I stay back here and fight off the minions of the Beast and the False Prophet. Do you realize how mad my wife is going to be when she realizes I get to go to hell, and she's going to be stuck with the childcare for eternity?

Thanks, Pat. Thanks a lot. Also, the youngest turns five a few days after. Not that you and your freaks care, but he wanted a pirate cake. Scratch that one off, I guess.

I've noticed a lot of you wingers have been ramping up the end times chatter. Glenn Beck was on the tube the other day saying that God was going to curse us for making a nuclear deal with the Iranians. I can't even keep track of how many people told us we are all going to die over the new gay marriage ruling. And even with this election coming, it's clear that a large chunk of the right is supporting Trump, because they think he's going to wreck the whole system. Everything is poisoned, our doom is nigh, and the best thing to do is burn it all down. You people are a real goddamned summer picnic, you know that?

Here's an idea: Maybe the world actually won't end anytime soon. Maybe we're going to have to face our problems - we do have many - and maybe we're going to have to fix the things that need fixing. Maybe we're stuck here, and life just keeps going on. And sometimes it feels like the world's ending, but that's just because we're all getting older, and less relevant, and the culture moves away from us. Which is sad, yes. I will be 45, and I understand this. But it's always been a world worth fighting for, and there are still the cupcakes and hand-holding I talked about.

I do know this: Acting like you do makes you look and sound like a scared old man - but also kind of like a toddler who didn't get his way, and now he wants to kick over the furniture and stomp off to his room. I'm going to go ahead and buy my kid's birthday gifts, get my wife something nice, and plan for my own day when I can overeat and take it easy.

Because that's how grownups handle things.

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  1. Screw handling things like grownups! Your cupcakes and hand holding, whatever. I think you should take this end of times prophecy seriously. All the others have been wrong, so we must be primed for a winner. Thus, I suggest you move your 5-year-olds' birthday ahead. I mean: pirate cake!

  2. Yeah, I remember when Harold Camping said the world would end on October 21, my birthday.

    Everyone should get an apocalypse for a birthday present


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