Monday, September 28, 2015

President Trump's First Press Conference

I only have a couple minutes for you jagoffs, because I'm meeting Putin at Hooters later. First question... The guy over there with the stupid tie. Yeah, you.

Okay... we all know the unemployment numbers could be better. But that's not my fault, because -- HEY, LOOK! DID YOU SEE SOME MEXICANS OVER THERE?! You didn't? Look harder. They went right around that corner. I swear.

Next... you, with the haircut. The ISIS attacks? You can't put that on me. My foreign policy is -- THERE THEY GO! THE MEXICANS! Guys, there are goddamn illegal Mexican workers running through the halls. Didn't you see them? They were just there, folks. They literally just went through those doors, and they were probably going to rape someone and steal some jobs. Why aren't you chasing after them?

Back to it then. Yes, I heard what the Senator said about my financial records. I promise a full disclosures when OH MY GOD THE MEXICANS ARE EVERYWHERE! Why the hell can't you people see them? I swear guys, that was the largest group of criminal foreigners I've ever seen! Aren't you going to go ask them some questions? They're out there destroying our way of life!

Sorry, time to wrap this up. One more question, and I'm outta here. Anyone but Fox, MSNBC, CNN, or Univision - those guys have been really mean to me lately.

(Photo by Michael Vadon. Rights information here.)

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