Monday, October 26, 2015

I'd Like To Suggest That Everyone On This Comment Thread Is Of Questionable Parentage

Well, it's certainly been an interesting and spirited discussion. I feel like we've all aired our viewpoints, even if we haven't necessarily won converts. But the hour is late, and I need to get to bed. So to wrap things up, let me just suggest that all of you - this entire thread - are of questionable parentage.

Believe me, I'd like to tell each one of you in a personal and specific way about how the details of your conception are more interesting and controversial than you've been led to believe. Nothing would make me happier. If I had time I'd sketch a few rough but illustrative diagrams for some of my new acquaintances, scan them in, and attach them to my messages. But we all know how internet comment threads like these work. I'm going to inform you about your parents, and then you'll inform me about mine, and then I'll have to reply - it wouldn't seem right, otherwise. And you're going to have to respond to my response.

It is now 3 o'clock in the morning. My bladder feels like it's about to rupture, and I'm quite sure many of you are drunk almost to the point of blackout. I'd like to speculate about what sorts of social lives you must have that you can focus on this discussion in this way... but I'd have to consider that I've been right here with you.

Yes. You are all of questionable parentage. Let me say it like that. It's the only way I can hope to get some sleep.

The problem, of course, is by logging off I'm sure that I'll miss your many witty rejoinders. Experiences like these - little gifts of rhetoric and whimsy - are the reason the internet is so endlessly diverting. If comment threads be the food of love, I say, play on... Give me excess, that the appetite may sicken and so die.

It has been a real pleasure. Thank you. Thank you all. And go fuck yourselves.

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.


  1. Hmmmm...sounds like you've been spending time in some dark places. I can only read ignorant b.s. so long before it starts to cause my soul to wither and die.

    On another note, I'd love it if I discovered my parents aren't actually my real parents, but I'm twisted that way.

    1. I don't know why I like the things I do. Ugh.

      On your second note, my mom's an absolute peach. But I have another parent, and I'm with you on that particular 50%. The Captain and I don't get along.

  2. I would agree since both of my parents informed me of the shenanigans that went on prior to their existence and after they existed.

    And they told me exactly why I was created. It was to do their housework.

  3. I like it! Short, succinct, and with a minimum of aggravation for everyone involved. A big improvement on most week-long flame wars, if you ask me.

  4. I was conceived at a summer camp. We've done the math.

  5. All I'm saying is I know what my parents were doing New Year 1969.


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