Friday, October 9, 2015

Okay, Which One Of Us Is The BAD Guy With The Gun?

Look, let's quit for a minute. Hey. Halt! Ceasefire! Everybody quit it!

You can all stay where you are. Stay behind cover and just... just listen to me. Thanks. Now the cops are going to be here soon, and we're going to have to give them a statement about how we saved this food court from a madman and proved that the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.

So, did we already kill the bad guy, or not? I don't see a dead guy with a gun. I can see all of the victims, and none of them are armed. There was a lot of smoke, and everybody kept blasting for a long time, so I'm not clear on this. Is one of us the bad guy?

Okay, who came to the food court with a plan to kill a dozen people? Anyone want to speak up? C'mon, now's the time. You'll get on Youtube.

There's me - I'm Steve, the guy with the Beretta and the Coca-Cola Jesus shirt. Over near the Panda Express, there's the guy with the Glock and the Trump hat. Hey, you! Are you the one who came here to kill everyone, or are you defending your community using your 2A rights? No? That Sig Sauer lady near the candle kiosk. Ma'am, could you give us an answer on this? Hello? Wolf or sheepdog?

Okay, it's not her. So it's the guy with the beard or his friend... No? Not you either?

Well, somebody's scheme to prey on the innocent just went into action. It wasn't elves who killed that old woman near the movie theater, I'll tell you that much.

Who started firing? Yo, Trump/Glock, I saw you aiming for whoever was hiding near the kid eating the chocolate Blizzard over by the... You weren't aiming at anyone? Christ, why did you start shooting? I was following your lead. I thought the guy was right next to him, and...

No, I didn't hit the kid, okay? My aim's better than that. I'm certain. I'm completely, absolutely almost certain.

Hey, someone shot first, and that person is clearly a predator. I know it wasn't me, because I heard a small-caliber popping sound near the old lady, and my weekend survival camp training kicked in. I heard it clearly. That woman over there - right next to the movie theater's snack bar.

Oh... yeah, I see it now. Well... um. Well, I just hope none of this causes you to stop supporting the Second Amendment, okay? The point is, if there had been a bad guy here, we probably could have handled the situation.

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