Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Paul Ryan's Still Not Sure He Wants To Be Kicked In The Crotch By Lunatics For Several Years

As you know the Speakership position’s just opened up, and many people in the Republican party want Paul Ryan to take it. He’s getting closer to agreeing, but he has misgivings about it, because the main duty is to have lunatics kick you in the crotch.

His reluctance is understandable.

John Boehner gave up after years of genital abuse that left him physically and emotionally crippled. Ryan’s a young man, and he might run for the presidency. It’s hard to see how this could really be a good move for him.

The lunatics who deliver the savage crotch-kickings are actually from the party’s Unhinged caucus. It’s a large, powerful group, and they’re famously cruel. Some analysts say Paul Ryan should take the job if he can get a guarantee from these people that they won’t deliver their testicle stompings with their characteristic frequency and brutality. But I don’t think any promises from these people are reliable. I guess I’ve always believed that old proverb: Lie down with lunatics, get up with crotch-kickings.

Many people say he’s the only one who can unite the party, and that he ought to accept the job out of loyalty. But how compelling is that argument? Should you really be loyal to the kind of party in which people will crowd around you cheering as you clutch at your manhood, coughing blood and pleading for mercy? Of course this kind of thing is what you sign on for when you join the Republican Party. But no one says you have to volunteer to be the main victim.

Now, a few of the scrotum-punters themselves say Paul Ryan ought to stay out of the position so they can nominate one of their own. The idea is if they get their way they'll stop this kind of extreme groin violence altogether. But they're really, really enthusiastic about doling it out. Can you see them just giving it up? Can you? I didn't think so.

Personally, I have mixed feelings. On one hand, watching a major government branch devolve into an ugly spectacle of pain and dysfunction upsets me as an American. It can't be good for this nation, and it could easily mean serious trouble for our domestic policy and the integrity of our economy. On the other hand, I would really, really like to see Republicans kick each other in the crotch for a long time. Man, I don't know if that would ever get old.

Whatever happens, we'll all be watching.

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