Tuesday, October 20, 2015

You Wrecked My Country. Can I Come Live In Yours Now?

Good day, sir. My apologies for the short notice. But my wife and family - and a couple thousand of our friends - decided to come over. We were wondering if we could live here in your country, because you broke ours.

Yes, it is definitely broken. Believe me, we've tried to fix it. But it looks like the damage is pretty extensive. Anyway, can we stay in Kansas or someplace near there? I heard you have a lot of empty space out there, and it's relatively peaceful. Believe me, we'd really, really like some quiet.

Oh, it was you alright. You totally wrecked our country. Your companies dominated the economy, you bullied us into trade relationships that didn't work, and whenever we tried to modernize or elect our own leaders, you had some spies kill everyone off so you could install a collection of thugs and warlords... and eventually everything just splintered apart. We did everything we could, but you were quite determined.

You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? No? Wow, that's kind of crazy.

Yeah, well... um, you did it though. I mean when you look at the history of my country and your country for the last century, it's a pretty clear-cut case of exploitation and greed. You crippled the development of every institution that could hold our society together. And now we're here. And we have nowhere else to go. It's either here or Europe. They definitely helped muck things up as well, but there's a big group of us there already.

Are you sure you don't remember hearing about this? Killing fields? Coups? Juntas? I know a few of your presidents made some speeches about it. Damn. Okay, well... I'm not going to criticize your educational system or anything. Not until we start sending our kids to your schools.

Commies were involved at some point. Do you remember them? Ah, I knew that would get you. Oh well. I just wish... I just wish you could recall what you did.

Because it was a big deal to us. A really big deal.

Anyway, you seem upset, and I don't want to make this hard for you. But the fact is you kind of have to take us in. It's the right thing to do. Also, if you create a permanent global underclass of dislocated people who hate you... you know that's going to eventually turn into a security risk, right?

No one can wage war forever. Not even you. It'd be stupid to try.

Okay then... Kansas?

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7 comments:

  1. I have thought for some time that we should settle the Palestinians in the western US and take the cost of relocation and support out of Israel's foreign and military aid.

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    1. Lots of room here in Northern California -- especially far north. I'm definitely on board. Of course, my vote doesn't count for much around here.

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    2. No. Probably not. But I love the idea of us three bloggers solving foreign policy shit.

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  2. Replies
    1. Yeah, no foreign policy cosplay. Agreed.

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  3. Look, check with the Mexicans first. I've got no problem with you coming in as long as you're cool with our wrenching your native cuisine into unrecognizability, because Taco Bell rocks, and Pierogi Palace and Falafel Fantasy are going to be even better. Whaddya mean Pierogis aren't Thai food?

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