Thursday, November 12, 2015

"An Atheist Isn't Qualified To Be Commander In Chief" By Ted Cruz

My fellow Americans:

Just the other day I said something controversial, and I wanted to explain. At a conference in Iowa I told people that I believe "any president who doesn't begin every day on his knees isn't fit to be commander-in-chief of this nation." In my heart I know this to be true, and I don't care if it offends the liberals in the politically correct media. Believing in God is the only way you can carry out your duties. Because being commander-in-chief means one thing: killing a crapload of American troops. And how are you going to do that if you aren't convinced you're sending them somewhere nice?

I assure you people as president I intend to do everything I can to honor and support our soldiers, sailors, Marines, and airmen by putting them into harm's way at every possible opportunity. I mean it. Americans want their leader to project strength - and that means shipping US troops abroad to fight in a variety of wars, interventions, police actions, training operations, and other missions we can't even explain, they're so screwed up. An atheist is going to hesitate to do this, but I never will. Never. I'll be able to see photos of entire C-130s packed with flag-covered coffins coming back to this country... and I won't even blink.

How could the president of this country do his job if every time he got some 24 year-old shot to death in an intervention that was laughably ill-considered... he actually thought the guy was really gone forever? That all those people he had killed were separated for all eternity from their spouses and their children? Geez, you'd go crazy if you thought like that. You'd never give the go-ahead for a stupid, bloody adventure overseas. It's why you'll never see an atheist president, and quite frankly, it's why Americans themselves don't like atheism.

America is the world's leader. And being leader means killing people sometimes. Actually, it means killing people a lot of the time. Almost continuously. And to do that you have to believe two things:

1. That death isn't that big a deal, because we'll all be doing Jager bombs with Jesus soon, and...
2. That someone much smarter and kinder than your average American is working very hard with a plan to make something good out of all the awful violence we seem to inflict on people we don't even know.

That's who we are, my countrymen. And that's why I'm exactly the kind of president you deserve.

God bless.

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.

1 comment:

  1. So I guess Muslims are okay to be president because they not only start their day on their knees but they also end the day the same way, not to mention three other times in the day they are on their knees (take THAT Ted Cruz and your I-only-pray-in-the-morning attitude).

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