Monday, November 9, 2015

"Many Of You Need To Stop Believing In Me," By Jesus Christ

I know I'm supposed to be the Light of the world, the Redeemer of humanity, drawing all creation closer to My Father in heaven. But there's a limit, you know?

I never thought I'd get to this point, but... well, I'd appreciate it if some of you would just stop believing in me. Convert, drop out, collect Pokemon - I don't care. But please stop being My problem.

There's a man on social media who is encouraging you to hassle Starbucks counter staff, because the company has supposedly declared war on my birthday. His accusations are not actually true, but that's never the point, is it? Soon an army of people will be descending on their local coffee houses with all kinds of creative ways to vent their spleen at people who work very hard, don't make company policy, and don't earn enough money for this nonsense. They're going to do this in order to show that they worship me. The guy also seemed proud of the fact that he'd brought a gun into the store, even though that kind of thing is unsafe and it generally terrifies normal people.

So Dear Mr. Obnoxious Armed Starbucks Customer: Please find another personal savior or go without. Let's just stop this arrangement.

And then there are homeschoolers in Texas who won't teach their kids reading and math, because they decided the imminent Rapture made all that unnecessary. Yeah, they need to find another ride out of here too, because there's no way I'm coming for them. Do you think I want to hang out in the Big Nightclub for eternity with people like that? I watched Starbucks guy's minute-long video, and I already felt like he overstayed the welcome.

Where does it say in the Bible that I only want the jerkwads? When did I ever tell my apostles that the goats and the sheep get sorted in order of how awful and ignorant they are?

Here's how it's supposed to work: You follow me, and it transforms you into a good and loving person. You exude a joy and a compassion, and people want that, so they ask you your secret. Then they follow me, they transform, and so on. That's the plan anyway. But instead we've got a nation of folks who want to preach Christ by being repellent. I mean that literally - they repel people. You see Starbucks boy coming at you, and you cross the street. You join any other team but his. How am I going to work with that?

But it should be obvious of course that spreading the word is the last thing they want to do. This is Christianity when it circles the wagons - when it curls up on itself. It starts acting like a paranoid cult obsessed with doing everything it can to fight "them" - the great mass of other people out there. You're making my faith small. You're turning us into Scientologists.

So stop. Leave. Go bother Richard Dawkins. He likes obnoxious social media types, right? If you think being a Christian is about denying science, hating people who are different, and generally being mean, the greatest birthday gift you could possibly give me is your absence. Believing in me is not doing either of us any good.

Peace. Out.

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.


  1. This is not flattery; this is the truth: you are an internet treasure.

    And your description of how Christianity is supposed to work almost makes me want to become a Christian. Funny how so many Christians treat their faith like boys in a tree fort.

    1. Thanks so much. My wife is a serious, believing liberal Episcopalian church lady - she's actually on the vestry. And I am a nonbelieving former Catholic with warm feelings toward the Nazarene carpenter and people who take his vision of morality seriously. We are in agreement.

    2. My wife gets me to go to her church, so I have this kind of semi-membership, because THOSE PEOPLE WILL NOT JUDGE YOU NO MATTER WHAT.


Related Posts with Thumbnails