Saturday, November 21, 2015

The Book Of Revelation: 2016 Election Edition

The Revelation of Jesus Christ, which God gave unto him, to shew unto his servants things which must shortly come to pass; and he sent and signified it by his angel unto his servant Paul, a blogger:

Blessed is he that readeth the words of this prophecy: for the time is at hand and the year of our choosing draws nigh.

Paul to the seven churches which are in America: Grace be unto you, and peace, from him which is, and which was, and which is to come; and from the seven Spirits which are before his throne;

And from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, and the first begotten of the dead, the prince of Jewish socialists (#FeeltheBern), and the judge and reckoner of kings of the earth, of liars and operatives, of bundlers and handlers, the source of all funding, restricted and unrestricted. Unto him that loved us without exception, in spite of the false words of the Child Actor and the Tyrant of Chicken, and washed us from our sins in his own blood, without exception. To him be glory and dominion for ever and ever. Amen.

Behold, he cometh with clouds; and every eye shall see him, even those who receive only the sights picked for them by the old dog from the island continent under the world. And all kindreds shall know the truth. I am Alpha and Omega, the primary and the general, saith the Lord, which is, and which was, and which is to come, and is recounted, and is decided in the courts, and is questioned ever after, the Almighty.

I Paul who also am your brother, and companion in tribulation, and in the kingdom and patience of Jesus Christ, was in the tidal land that is called Virginia, for the word of God, and for the testimony of Jesus Christ, and since my wife's job brought us here to where the economy is pretty good because of that Navy base.

I was in the Spirit on the Lord's day, though I am more or less an agnostic (It's complicated) and heard behind me a great voice, as of a brightly-colored trumpet in the Square of the Great City, like unto those one would hear on the eve of Drunkenness and of Griffin's bitchery, which is coming close.

Saying, I am Alpha and Omega, the first and the last: and, What thou seest, write on your blog, and possibly in an ebook, and send it unto the seven churches which are in America; unto Queens, and unto Des Moines, and unto Houston, and unto Palo Alto, and unto Concord, and unto Philadelphia, and unto Washington.

And I turned to see the voice that spake with me. And being turned, I saw seven golden Target franchises;

And in the midst of the seven Target franchises one like unto the Son of man, clothed with a garment down to the foot, and girt about the paps with a single-breasted blazer of moderate blue. He was drinking righteousness from a bare red cup and checking 538 on his phone.

His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire; and his voice as the sound of many waters. And he had in his right hand seven Starbuckses: and his countenance was as the sun shineth in his strength.

And when I saw him, I fell at his feet as dead. And he laid his right hand upon me, saying unto me, Fear not; I am he that liveth, and was dead; and, behold, I am alive for evermore, Amen; and have the keys of hell and of death, and of defeat, and of getting your own show on one of those internet channels no one cares about. You who believe shall see a great victory, and soon.

Write the things which thou hast seen, and the things which are, and the things which shall be hereafter;

The mystery of the seven Starbuckses which thou sawest in my right hand, and the seven golden franchises. The seven Starbuckses are the angels of the seven churches: and the seven franchises which thou sawest are the seven churches, because retail business concerns us all with a soft middle-class job market.


  1. " in spite of the false words of the Child Actor and the Tyrant of Chicken,"

    I'm gonna need the footnotes for this one- I got most of the other references, but you lost me here.


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