Monday, November 30, 2015

This GIF Of A College Bro Incinerating His Genitals Is The Story Of America


This terrible and funny GIF of a young man's crotch firework accident contains every important element of the story of the United States of America. I'm serious. We should show this in schools on the last day of history class, right where we get to the Korean War and the teacher runs out of time.

It explains our debacle in Iraq, sure, but also the broader disaster of our imperialist policies all over the world, and how they've allowed us to project power without guaranteeing basic safety for our own people. In addition it gives a succinct and stunningly accurate account of how we became the kind of people who'd see Donald Trump as the solution to the problems in our society. What it shows is the result of the democratic experiment itself, launched on this continent centuries ago. It is the answer to the great test Abraham Lincoln described in the Gettysburg Address, a reply to the deepest critics of our economic and political system. It is, simply put, who we are and why we are here. Consider:

1. It is a man doing this.
2. He is young, of college or military age. He is a "type."
3. He is white, and he is almost certainly middle-class or wealthier. He has what theorists starting with Aristotle would describe as "leisure."
4. He has access to dangerous weapons. He is proud of this. They are obviously his very manhood.
5. The spectacle of fire has lured him to do something stupid.
6. No one is there to stop him. No one. This is a failure in the widest possible sense. It dates to Columbus. It ought to be our national motto. "America: No one was there to stop us."
7. His jackass friends decided to video all this. These are the people whose worst wars have become their greatest films. They are addicts.
8. He's genuinely surprised by the obvious results of his actions. Obvious and predictable. He really didn't see that one coming. This half-second of imbecile shock is what we have for a culture.

And finally, and most importantly...

9. He got hurt badly enough to make it entertaining, but not enough to prevent him from doing this again.

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51 comments:

  1. I tried to search for the source on this. There is a staggering number of "fireworks crotch" videos on the Internet. Shockingly, most of them turn out badly for the protagonist.

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    1. Thanks for reading! The source I got was this... http://www.gifbin.com/bin/082015/1438623013_fireworks_showoff_fail.gif

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  2. Also, another item for the list:

    10. He is almost certainly under the influence of a great deal of alcohol.

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    1. Damnit, I wanted to put some kind of war on drugs/booze hypocrisy shout-out and forgot. You are quite right.

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    2. Silly atheist. If it wasn't for booze powering the brains of Churchill, Stalin, and Roosevelt, the world would've fallen to the meth-powered hordes of Nazism. In vino veritas, and beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. If it wasn't for all this liberal twaddle about not drinking on the job, our booze-inspired forces would be crushing the meth-driven Daesh fucks YEARS AGO.

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    3. Stalin sobered up though. When he learned the Germans were invading, he got very very drunk. But then he sobered up and started making the important calls. That's key.

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    4. Lies! All Soviet forces were hammered. Alas, twas on cheap vodka instead of the good stuff. Maybe if the Russians would give their people the good stuff instead of cheap Commie-made shit (as well as some good ol' capitalist variety), they could've come up with their own A-bomb instead of having to use the plans Roosevelt's stay-behind stooges let them have.

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    5. Yeah, inventing our own A-bomb was a real moment of triumph for us.

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    6. More than the POSSIBILITY of alcohol being involved, there is PLENTY of stupidity.

      "You can't fix stupid" -- Ron White

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    7. No. You can't. Alcohol just increases the stupid and softens the effects, which is unhelpful.

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  3. An allusion worthy of the same kind of socio-political/historical discourse that you find written on bumperstickers. Alas, reality is much more complicated, the nuances of which render your allusion incorrect by incompleteness.

    Hail Eris, ave Discordia!

    Oh yes, and you're a racist and sexist because you make fun of white males.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You honor me with your trolling. I don't deserve obscure criticism of this caliber.

      And, no I'm not. That's silly.

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    2. Not trolling. Valid criticism far surpassing your feeble brain skills. If you would just open up your pineal gland and consult with Eris, you'd understand.

      And yes, you are a racist and a sexist. Your denial just proves how used to your own white male privilege you are that you can't recognize your own racism and sexism.

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    3. You're one of those "why can't I say the 'N-word?" white people, aren't you?

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    4. No,, I just agree with this man....

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E

      Don't worry, link won't bite.....

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    5. Yeah, you're definitely one of those. Because "why can't I say the N-word?" white people are also "MLK was a secret conservative" white people too. The Venn diagram on that is just one circle.

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  4. I bet you refer to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named instead of Voldemort too.

    And bitch please, I know how to wield words and when to use them. Besides, everyone knows MLK was at one time a card-carrying member of the CPUSA. Twas quite the fashion back then. You had to paint it red to fit right in back in those days. I prefer Malcolm X to MLK because at least brother Malcolm wasn't a slave to pussy or pork like MLK was, even though his Islam was some jazzed-up pseudo-Masonic shite as opposed to the wine not made from brains brought to us by Rumi. And unlike you, I can eat Jesus for breakfast and poop out a Golgathem in 3 hours. You can never pin my down and they will never clean my cage.

    And bitch please:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RovF1zsDoeM

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    Replies
    1. Huh, I had a much less detailed version of things:
      1) USA/DB (dudebro) discovers it has a cool, spark throwing thing. Sticking out of its crotch!
      2) USA/DB waves it around to impress/scare everybody.
      3) They get burned and don't know why or how to stop it.

      Yeah, it'd work better if he'd waved it at a puddle of gasoline or something, and your explanation is much more nuanced, but...

      Nuanced? Sounds French to me....

      As does your name.

      Trump'll show you Frenchies!

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    2. Trump will indeed show us Frenchies. I'm certain.

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  5. Trump and Hillary are friends, ergo he'll be taking cues from her when it comes to geo-politics. This whole "I'm Donald Trump and I'm seeking the Republican nomination for president" thing is just a sham-scam. But it sure has you fooled.

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    Replies
    1. Pretension: A Poem

      Writing "ergo"
      Doesn't make
      It so.

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    2. Trump,
      More rhino than elephant
      More rhino than dinosaur
      More dinosaur than donkey
      More concerned with image than substance
      Trump like Hillary
      same two peas in politician
      No soap, refrigerator.

      Or for the guy who thinks modern American history started on Sept. 11, 2001:
      Trump and Hillary
      sitting in a tree
      P-L-O-T-T-I-N-G


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    3. Remember when you tried to act like you weren't a conservative?

      That was fun.

      Delete
  6. I'm not conservative. You just think I am. That's because you're still stuck in a dualistic mindset. 0 and 1, on and off, black and white, good and evil, GodoJesus and Lou Cifer, Democrat and Republican, liberal and conservative, progressive and Tea Party, left wing and right wing. Reality is so much more complex than that. You're color-blind and I'm trying to explain the nuances of the visible spectrum to you. Of course Jesus had to explain the mysteries of God in parables, the Zen masters have to use koans, and mine own tradition uses humor and parody. Jesus only considered one out of 12 worthy of the truth, so I'm not surprised you don't get it. Like Jesus told Thomas, "Go east, dude; these fucks don't get it."

    Or maybe you just felt the Bern. Shine on, ya crazy diamond, you and the Paulites!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're a white guy in your twenties with a liberal arts education. You vote Republican, and you flirt with libertarianism. Jesus, I have NEVER ENCOUNTERED SOMEONE LIKE YOU.

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    2. Wrong; try again.

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    3. Do I want to? No.

      Here's the thing: The kind of people who act like they're above any actual political position tend to have the kind of privilege that let's them get away with this. Pick an actual position or don't.

      It's your dime.

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  7. Clue: Emperor North 1, Emperor of the United States & Protector of Mexico

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  8. I once went to Canadia in the middle of winter, but it was too hot for me there. Mounties didn't believe I wasn't cold when I was running around naked in the snow. At least the doukhobors busted me out, thinking I was one of them, but most don't know the same stuff taught by the Tibeto-German Black Hat Society.

    No, we don't have the Whore of Babylon on the money where I'm from.

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    Replies
    1. I'm sure you're a very interesting person.

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  9. All I got from this was that we need more women to run things.

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  10. Depends on the woman. I don't want Jenny McCarthy for Surgeon General, and I don't want a Kardasian running anything (I don't care enough about that klan to even spell their name right).

    I forget, do we have any transgendered politicians yet, or is that another glass ceiling that needs to be broken?

    Despite what you believe, despite what you say, you're always a racist. Even your denial proves you're a racist. Just sit back and accept you are human scum and can never not be a racist. And no, not even your "white guilt" will help alleviate your "white privilege".
    http://www.therustylife.com/2014/03/the-complete-white-privilege-series/

    I mean, you could've shown Michael Jackson's hair getting set on fire and said that was a comment on the geo-politics in modern history, but you don't want to show black guys doing stupid stuff. Or used the Katy Perry Firework bloopers vid, but you didn't want to show a woman doing something stupid with pyrotechnics. You had to be a racist-sexist-classist-etcetera-ist bigot on post the white guy. You're just lucky that dude's probably straight, or at least a closeted-bisexual, otherwise you'd be homophobic as well.......which actually means you're heterophobic.

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  11. No, it was invented for Ayn Rand,

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  12. In your case, it means "too little; don't read". I mean, when you post a single .gif as an allusion for modern American geo-politics, you're missing a HELLUVALOT of details. Sure, this whole problem in the middle east is some dumb drunken college boy who would be president's fault. It's not like the people of the Middle East have been experiencing tribal warfare since the first human that came out of Africa got into a fight with the second human that came out of Africa. It's not like this whole modern conflict is just a perfect storm of a bunch of unintended consequences ranging from the decolonialization process the world's been going through since the end of World War, a bunch of bungling during the Cold War trying to keep the rest of the world from becoming a gulag, the anti-Semitism and anti-Zionism of the Arab populace, and a decided lack of nation-building in Afghanistan after their war against the Soviets which led to a power vacuum in which Saudi Wascally-Wahabism poured in both money and influence, as well as a myriad host of other Rumsfeldian knowns and unknowns I can't even mention here because you're too simplistic to even think about. Nope, it's all because of a drunken white guy.

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    1. Yes, I know all that stuff you're bragging that you know... but then I know other stuff too.

      Also Wahhabism has two h's.

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    2. As Foghorn Leghorn would have said; "It's...ah say...it's a joke, son. A JOKE! Get it? Ah suspect that this boy ain't playing cards with a full deck..."

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    3. Yeah, that's a good point too. Odd that I sort of lost sight of that for a sec.

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  13. (he won't read the preceding; it's too long to fit on a bumper sticker or a tweet)

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    Replies
    1. You have to earn the reader's attention.

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  14. "The X-Rated Guide to the Bible" was better, btw.

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  15. Watching you argue with diacd999 reminds me of the old debate about whether Batman was encouraging his lunatics by battling them.

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    Replies
    1. (Although like Batman, it is very impressive to behold)

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    2. Or, as Jay Z said; "I don't argue with fools, because from a distance it's hard to tell the difference..."

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  16. It ought to be our national motto. "America: No one was there to stop us."

    I have a horrible feeling there is people who could stop you, but simply didn't.

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    Replies
    1. That might be true. It reminds me of this Onion article:
      http://www.theonion.com/article/fbi-uncovers-al-qaeda-plot-to-just-sit-back-and-en-35788

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