Thursday, November 5, 2015

"You Have No Idea What I Really Believe," By Ben Carson

My fellow Americans:

I know I caused a bit of a stir recently, when that video of my Bible pyramid theory surfaced. And there's also the fact that I'm a creationist - that's kind of a head-scratcher, isn't it? I mean, I'm a brilliant, accomplished doctor. I've performed surgery to separate twins conjoined at the brain, for heaven's sake. And yet I openly believe all these crazy things. How can that be, you wonder?

Yeah, well, you don't know a tenth of it. Really. I am holding out on you guys. And I'm doing a very, very good job at it too. Honestly, if you had a frickin' clue was going on in old Doc Carson's thunder dome here, it would permanently scar you.

I can't tell you everything. If I start talking I won't be able to stop, and it'll get nasty and weird. But I will say this:

First, I honestly think I'm part chupacabra.
Second, I read the Book of Revelation every morning, because it controls my bowel movements.
Third, I never touch anything made of poplin or anything colored orange.
And finally, I'm convinced that if I don't punch a random tree every night as hard as I can, I'll die before morning. It's right there in Leviticus, only no one can see it but me.

Okay, that's enough. Just saying that stuff started me hyperventilating a little. I have to go sit down and wear my Jesus Mittens. But nothing that's in the ol' crock pot stops me from being a solid presidential contender. I mean, it's not like I'm Donald Trump or anything.

Anyway, I hope you understand the self-control I'm exhibiting every moment of every day that I spend on camera when I'm not screaming Aramaic at you people. And I hope it impresses you enough to vote for me, because as soon as I get into the Oval, we're going to go to war with Paraguay.

They know what they did.

(Photo by Gage Skidmore. Rights info here.)


  1. The thing is, I'm pretty sure this isn't far off his actual thought processes, and that's truly frightening. He has the crazy eyes...

    1. You don't notice it because he seems so calm... But yes. There it is.

  2. Pretty sure if he was to get elected, your Medicare would cover exorcisms and the Pentagon will be focused on the threat from Rigal Seven.

    1. That all seems like a reasonable set of predictions.

  3. mean...all this bizarre self-delusion might impair his ability to be Chief Executive? Has...had anyone said anything to the RNC about this? I mean...nominating a person whi believes insane, impossible things...that would be...bad.

    Wouldn't it..?

    1. Honestly, don't you keep thinking this is going to be a deal-breaker, and isn't it continually disturbing that it totally isn't?

      Nuclear weapons!


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