Thursday, November 5, 2015

"You Have No Idea What I Really Believe," By Ben Carson

My fellow Americans:

I know I caused a bit of a stir recently, when that video of my Bible pyramid theory surfaced. And there's also the fact that I'm a creationist - that's kind of a head-scratcher, isn't it? I mean, I'm a brilliant, accomplished doctor. I've performed surgery to separate twins conjoined at the brain, for heaven's sake. And yet I openly believe all these crazy things. How can that be, you wonder?

Yeah, well, you don't know a tenth of it. Really. I am holding out on you guys. And I'm doing a very, very good job at it too. Honestly, if you had a frickin' clue was going on in old Doc Carson's thunder dome here, it would permanently scar you.

I can't tell you everything. If I start talking I won't be able to stop, and it'll get nasty and weird. But I will say this:

First, I honestly think I'm part chupacabra.
Second, I read the Book of Revelation every morning, because it controls my bowel movements.
Third, I never touch anything made of poplin or anything colored orange.
And finally, I'm convinced that if I don't punch a random tree every night as hard as I can, I'll die before morning. It's right there in Leviticus, only no one can see it but me.

Okay, that's enough. Just saying that stuff started me hyperventilating a little. I have to go sit down and wear my Jesus Mittens. But nothing that's in the ol' crock pot stops me from being a solid presidential contender. I mean, it's not like I'm Donald Trump or anything.

Anyway, I hope you understand the self-control I'm exhibiting every moment of every day that I spend on camera when I'm not screaming Aramaic at you people. And I hope it impresses you enough to vote for me, because as soon as I get into the Oval, we're going to go to war with Paraguay.

They know what they did.

(Photo by Gage Skidmore. Rights info here.)

6 comments:

  1. The thing is, I'm pretty sure this isn't far off his actual thought processes, and that's truly frightening. He has the crazy eyes...

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    Replies
    1. You don't notice it because he seems so calm... But yes. There it is.

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  2. Pretty sure if he was to get elected, your Medicare would cover exorcisms and the Pentagon will be focused on the threat from Rigal Seven.

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    Replies
    1. That all seems like a reasonable set of predictions.

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  3. Wait...you mean...all this bizarre self-delusion might impair his ability to be Chief Executive? Has...had anyone said anything to the RNC about this? I mean...nominating a person whi believes insane, impossible things...that would be...bad.

    Wouldn't it..?

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    Replies
    1. Honestly, don't you keep thinking this is going to be a deal-breaker, and isn't it continually disturbing that it totally isn't?

      Nuclear weapons!

      Delete

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