Monday, December 7, 2015

I Was Promised Ted Nugent Would Be In A FEMA Camp By Now

The other day Ted Nugent was on the Alex Jones show, and they were talking about going on a mass shooting spree targeting liberals. Which doesn't bother me all that much. I mean, why should they be any different? That's what we've all decided we're willing to live with in America, and I'd like to talk my conservative friends out of that as a policy - it seems extreme - but who can talk to them about anything nowadays?

Then something occurred to me though. And I really did get mad. Why are Ted Nugent and Alex Jones chatting on a radio show when they should be stuffed in a FEMA camp getting waterboarded and reeducated? I was specifically told this would happen. Sure, maybe Ted wouldn't go quietly, and we'd all get have to watch New World Order operators shoot his beef-jerky ass on live TV. But that's not the point. The point is the president was going to trigger an economic collapse so he could declare martial law, and the UN/FEMA squads were going to get the ball rolling.

Palin, Huckabee, Bachmann... These people are still with us. Let me say that again: They're still with us.

And Glenn-Fucking-Beck! Why is Glenn Beck walking around molesting American flags and crying without a black hood or orange jammies? Who screwed up the logistics on this?

I was promised - I was promised repeatedly - that by now half of the rightwingers would have been raptured by Republican Jesus and the only half would be sitting in truck containers in the desert or having shootouts against the feds with their Rascal-mounted AR-15s. Instead we're at the end of Year Seven of the Reign of the Kenyan Antichrist, and we can't even get a decent gun control bill, an immigration reform bill, a jobs bill, or a climate change bill because of all the goddamn conservatives who absolutely vowed to us that soon they'd be doing Jager bombs with the Apostles or playing Wolverines against the powder blue Ban Ki-Moon brigade. Hell, even Canada was supposed to be an option. Weren't they going to move to Canada and discover they have actual socialized medicine up there, and that would be entertaining for the rest of us? Who did that? Who moved to Canada? No one!

Conservatives swore they'd be gone. What is taking them so long?

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  1. Picky spelling point: "rascal-mounted" should be "Rascal-mounted." It's a brand name and therefore a proper noun. Luckily for us in Vermont those things don't do so well on rough surfaces. Come the revolution we'd be confronted with a bunch of angry people asking for help getting back upright.

    Except that the Kenyan Muslim Socialist has already taken away all their firearms. Oh right, he hasn't. He hasn't because 1) he doesn't want to, and 2) he can't, because raiding 44 million gun-containing homes would take decades, perhaps centuries. He did once sign a bill allowing people to carry concealed firearms in national parks.

  2. I just found this article lost in my rss feed. But I wanted to comment. It is an excellent question. In 2012, I had many conversations with conservatives who claimed that Obama was just waiting for his second term to show his true communist colors. I countered that this was exactly the same thing that conservatives said during Bill Clinton's first term. When it turned out that Obama's second term was the same as his first, were they going to admit it? Of course they brushed the question aside because of course Obama was going to end democracy in his second term! But assuming Hillary Clinton is the next president, they will say the same thing about her. They never tire of their over-the-top rhetoric. Alex Jones has made a career or it. What kind of a loser do you have to be to eagerly listen night after night to the same "just around the corner" predictions that never come true?


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