Monday, February 1, 2016

For My Next Open-Heart Surgery I Want A Bold Outsider Who's Not Corrupted By Medical School

I don't know about you, but I'm sick and tired of all those doctors with their overpriced degrees who just don't understand the problems of common people. For my next open-heart surgery, I'm going to hire a guy I can have a beer with. Someone I can talk to. I'm not going to pick some egghead who studied a lot of fancy-pants surgical techniques, I can tell you that.

When someone's opening my ribcage and performing techniques that directly affect the functioning of my heart, I don't want them to have a head full of mumbo-jumbo they might have learned at Harvard, or in up to date medical literature, or at some conference somewhere. No, I want them to have real, commonsense solutions - the kind of attitude about the functioning of my cardiovascular system that I have, even though I didn't go to medical school at all and barely remember what I learned in my 8th grade health class.

The reason for this is simple: I'm an American. I'm used to be people catering to my every wish, even the really stupid wishes. I get what I want, okay? Now, put me under with some Wild Turkey and crushed up Benadryl, and let's do this.

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